#but i felt like it relied too much on a relationship between the doctor and ruby that we hadn't actually seen yet

[stereotypical-jew]

okay. so. i did not vibe with the latest doctor who episode a lot? and idk why exactly. i did still enjoy it for the most part! do love that we're getting more explicit queer romance on the show, but idk it didn't feel...genuine? especially with the doctor saying that ruby's his best friend but then abandoning her to aliens for most of the episode. i'm like really feeling that the overarching plot must be about storytelling. like especially all the blatant references to bridgerton INCLUDING the bad guys and poker face covers. and the teaser line about it being the doctor's life they're playing out. i'm hoping that the arc is kind of about how something (pantheon character?) is kind of controlling the doctor/ruby's story to hit the beats it's supposed to bc its tv but is doing so in a non-organic way which is why the season feels so disjointed and very telling-not-showing. also the weird 6 month time jump between Space Babies and Boom. otherwise i'mgonna feel like it was just kind of poorly written. like! to be clear! i am still enjoying the show! but not as much as i have other seasons

[desi2go]

Importance

pairings: dad!Chan x mom!reader

warnings: angst, fluff

summary: Having a child with an idol isn't easy...

author's note: I'm sorry that I couldn't post anything the last two weeks. But here I am with a new one!

Marriage wasn't easy. Especially when your beloved husband was an idol. The Bang Chan, leader of Stray Kids.

Between tours and busy schedules, there was little time for your relationship. But even though it was hard and you missed him like hell when he was gone for a long time, you still didn't regret to come to your best friend Changbin's party years ago. There, you had met him.

Well, he didn't see you and accidentally poured his drink over you. When your eyes met, he was fascinated by your breathtaking beauty. Maybe it was destiny back then. It felt surreal, like he was your soulmate. The missing piece in in your heart and life.

Apologetic, he bought you a drink and after a wonderful night together, asked for your number.

Soon, he took you out on a date and there followed a second and a third, becoming a huge part in your life.

Without noticing, time passed and Chan proposed to you.

You immediately said yes and became Mrs. Bang.

The second you were married, your family asked when you both would begin to try for a baby but Chan and you wanted to wait some time before thinking about an addition to your family.

You still were young and Stray kids took much time and you understood that. Your job was also one of your top priorities and wanted to earn more money.

But it seemed that the universe had other plans with you two. Seven months after the wedding you started feeling sick. At first you brushed it off and thought that it is just a stomach bug or the stress due to work.

As the lovely but overly concerned husband that he is, Chan took you too a doctor to get a check up. Even though you found it a little bit overdramatic, he still insisted and the reason why you felt nauseous was soon found. You were indeed pregnant and already two months into pregnancy.

Sure, it wasn't planned but you and Chan felt excited to have a small addition to the family. And sooner or later it would have happend anyways.

Chan promised that when the pregnancy was farther along, he would take some time off and help you. You agreed to that and decided to work some more months too before you need to go into maternity leave.

The months passed fast and soon, you welcomed your newest family member. A girl. A sweet girl with already some black locks on her head and the same brown eyes that you fell in love with.

Chan was over the moon. Even though during labour, he was terrified. Would he be a good dad? But all these thoughts washed away when he saw the beautiful angel you both had created with your undying love.

He was the first one to hold her as her crying filled the room. Exhausted, you observed the picture in front of you. Your husband with his precious daughter that already looked like a smaller copy of him.

He was told to undress his shirt and to lay the little bundle of joy against his bare chest to help her breath and keeping her warmth while the doctor checked on you because you had lost a lot of blood during birth.

The first weeks were exhausting. Your little girl, Nari, held both of you awake most of the night. Yourself needed to heal and time to recover from the labor, so you relied mostly on your husband who took such good care for his girl. Fortunately, he got some weeks off to settle into parenthood before going back to the boys even though they nearly saw each other every day.

Since you got home from the hospital, four days after birth, they visited you to meet their 'little sister' as they called Nari. Oh lord, they were so smitten. The only one that seems not so sure about that little human was Seungmin but when he thought that nobody would watch, you catched him drawing circles over Nari's hands, smiling when she wrapped her hand around one of his fingers.

When Chan went back, the house was suddenly so empty. After weeks of being together 24/7, the sudden quiet was unfamiliar. In the mornings, Chan was already out, you loved to lay on the couch, your daughter on your chest, snuggling close to you while sleeping.

When Chan came back home in the evening, he greeted you with a kiss and immediately ran off to his daughter to tell her about his day even though she was already sleeping. You loved to observe him while cooking. You loved this little family. It was something that you ever wanted.

You really loved Nari. But after the pregnancy and early motherhood, you needed some space for yourself. You would love to spend an evening with your girls. Just making yourself look pretty and have fun without watching over a child.

Especially since you almost never leave the house except for some stroller walks and buying errands.

You asked your husband if he comes home some hours earlier so that you could enjoy your night. Immediately, he agreed and you were so grateful that he understood you.

On that day, you took your time with getting ready while your daughter slept. You hoped that Chan would be home soon so that you would be on time since you hated being late.

Minutes passed as you sat on the couch waiting for him. Minutes turned into half an hour and you wrote your girls that you would run a little late today. They were understanding.

More minutes passed and you waited already for a whole hour. You tried to call him since he was always so focused on his work so that he sometimes forgets the time.

He didn't pick up and you were already half an hour late. Your girls were already seated in your restaurant, waiting for you to show up so that they could start ordering food.

Sighing, you texted then that you couldn't make it and they shouldn't wait up on you. Frustrated, you cleared your face from the make up that was hours worth of work.

You took off the new dress that you had bought. You were so excited to wear it because it made you feel so pretty again after the pregnancy made you look bloated and your belly was still not the same then before.

You didn't know if you felt rage, sadness or disappointment that you needed to stay home because of your husband.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was the first time after he got back to work. He used to come back at a normal time to have some time with you and the baby. But as the weeks passed, he stayed later and got up earlier so that you saw him just for some minutes per day.

It was like you were all on your own here in your home. You knew from the beginning that Stray kids was really important to him but after entering parenthood you had hoped that he wouldn't stay till past midnight in the company.

You heard the key unlocking the front door and your husband finally decided to come home after he had promised you that he would be here three hours ago. He greeted you with a small peck on the forehead as you waited for him in the living room.

He looked so calm while dropping his bag to the ground and sitting down on the couch.

"Why are you standing there honey?" He asked. You crossed your arms. He didn't even remembered that this was supposed to be your night out.

"Why are you so late?" You tried to remain calm since your daughter slept in the neighbouring room.

"I was working on the newest song for stray kids" he explained.

"Oh really? Because you said you would be here hours ago" you didn't want to pick a fight. You hated fighting with him. It made your heart clench but this night was important to you.

"I'm sorry honey. But I needed to get it done"

"Well, I had plans for the night, Chan."

"Really? I'm sorry honey. I forgot and this song was important"

"The song was important? My reservation with the girls was important to me" you said and couldn't hold the calm tone that you wanted.

"I already said I'm sorry, Y/n. I got caught up in work" He grew annoyed.

"Like always. You're always so late that I wonder if you even remember that you have a family at home" You knew you were mean and unfair but all these things were twirling around your head for days.

"Of course I remember! I'm sorry that I make money for us" he exclaimed sarcastically. His voice loud, nearly shouting.

These words hurt you. He knew damn well that you aren't dependent on his money and that you make good money as well. Even though you currently took a maternity leave.

"Fuck you, Chan. You aren't the only one working. I was asking you for just one thing. Just being home a little earlier so that I could have some time for myself." You said loudly, your voice cracking in the middle as some tears stung in your eyes.

"Y/n. I-" he tried but you stopped him.

"Nari is your child too. Currently, I'm the only one she sees whether it's in the morning or in the evening. And I'm tired. Tired of being the only one raising her."

You heard cries from the other room. You must have woken up your sleeping daughter. Sighing, you excited the room and headed to Nari without waiting for an answer.

Chan knew that he went too far and that he was more away than home. And it pained him to not spend so much time with his daughter. Slowly he followed you to your daughter's room.

It was dimly lit and you sat in the rocking chair next to her crib with Nari in your arms, rocking her. He hated seeing her in distress and guilt crept up. He was a terrible father and an even more terrible husband.

You felt Chan's hot gaze on you. You knew that the guilt ate him alive right now. He couldn't fool you. Therefore you knew him too well.

After placing Nari back into her crib, giving her a light kiss on her soft skin that smelled so sweet like a baby. Your baby.

Then, you took Chan's hand and lead you outside to the kitchen, farther away from your daughter.

He just followed you, deep in thoughts.

"Y/n, I'm so sorry. I should have come early. And I know that parenting a child alone is difficult. I didn't want to lash out on you like that. I know that the meeting with your friends was important to you" he said and caressed your hand.

"I'm sorry too. It's obvious that you try to be around Nari as long and often as you can."

"No, you were right. I need to be here more. Especially with you both. I shouldn't let work take over so much" he said and pulled you into his arms.

His arms circled around your waist while yours travelled upwards into his fluffy locks. Exhausted he let his head fall on your shoulder, all the tension leaving his body.

"I love you Chan" you whispered.

"I love you too. You and Nari are the most important things in my life"

[somethingstrangeishere]

TW: leprosy

Baldwin IV with his mommy 🥺

She tries to cheer up her precious boy by doing something sweet for him.

"No, my dear, those bandages don't make you any worse! Please stop putting yourself down for how you look...Look, I made a bow for you! You're cute. I love you, Baldwin."

***

I don't know if you've ever had similar thoughts...I just felt like speaking up. Honestly, it's very hard to put my thoughts and convey what I'm feeling (I'm not a writer and also not a native English speaker), and to be completely honest, as I think about it, my heart hurts and my eyes water. So if you read this - thank you, and sorry for taking up your time. If not - well, I've eased my soul one way or another by speaking out.

***

My heart melts at the thought of a warm, understanding and trusting relationship between parents and children, and I also love the dynamics of family relationships. In this context, mother/son. I don't know, and no one knows anymore, about the relationship Baldwin had with his mother, whether they were close, but I'm not relying on historical reference, but on my interpretation and feelings.

For a good loving mother, her child is the best, the most precious, the most loved and desired. But life does not always turn to you and your child in a good way. Some people are unlucky - whether you are a king or a peasant, a sinner or a saint - fate does not care.

How does a mother feel when her son is mortally ill? Put yourself in her shoes. Just try it.

***

You hold your newborn baby in your arms. Here it is, your little bundle of joy, so tiny, so adorable... You want to give him all the best, now your whole world is him, your little angel!

Your son is growing up, taking his first steps, saying his first words. You dream about his future, you love him so much...

Time passes, you live in love and care for him. And you hope that it will always be like this - or as long as possible...

...Now forget about it.

Suddenly you are hit with devastating news - your son has leprosy. It knocks you off your feet, it chokes you, it tramples you into the ground, tears your heart to pieces. At that moment, as soon as you find out, you see nothing in front of you and hear nothing. Your mind is empty, and there is only one thought of your son, your treasure. Doomed, cursed. If there really is a God, why did he let this happen? Why your child? They say leprosy is a curse from God. Why curse an innocent child?!

Pain, despair, anguish. You want to weep, You want to grab your son, hold him close and never let go. You realise he's doomed. But he doesn't realise it yet.

As time goes on, his health gets worse. Your baby does not understand what is happening to him - he is scared, he is confused, he is waiting for your support and comfort. You smile at him, you give him everything you can - but inside your heart is pounding and tearing as if it were breaking your ribs. Every night you're choked with tears. Your son is your flesh and blood, you gave him life, you brought him into this world, you condemned him to this existence...

Time passes, you do your best, but it seems as if God himself has turned away from you. You pray to all the saints, you beg the Virgin Mary - she is a mother too, she must hear, she cannot fail to understand! But nothing changes.

Your son is growing up, and every year his condition gets worse. His skin is covered with leprosy spots. His eyesight is getting worse. He's always tired, he can't live without the help of doctors and medicines. He's rotting alive. People look askance. People judge. People see a monster. All you see is your angel. Every day you swear to love and care for him, swear you won't leave him...

***

A young 16 years old boy wins a battle. How proud you are of him! How weak his body is, but how strong his spirit. But he too has his moments of vulnerability...

...Especially when he fully realises he doesn't have long to live. He seems to accept it - or pretend to accept it...

How do you feel?

How a mother might feel when she realises that she may see her son die? Bury the one she brought into this world. To live to see that moment is something she doesn't want to do.

Thank you if you read to the end! I'm crying right now😭

[crookedkryptonitebeliever]

Best and Worst of Both Worlds (part 40)

Tw: like really bad sickness, doctors dismissing symptoms, general themes of hopelessness, shorter chapter than usual

Part 41

You were woken up by the feeling of fingers running through your hair and a presence right beside you.

You know it's Yves, so you snuggled deeper into him. Which earned you a kiss on the crown of your head.

"(Name)." You cracked open an eye and looked up to see Yves's kind eyes. Yves has changed his clothes that fit more into his usual style; a simple turtleneck and a pair of smart palazzo pants.

"It's time for you to eat, my dear." You struggled to sit up, but the pull of sleepiness proved too much for you. So, you flopped back onto him, latching onto his chest. Yves wrapped his arms around you again and buried his face in your hair.

You groggily told him that you're not hungry and you simply wanted to cuddle some more.

"We could do that after your meal." He mumbled, closing his eyes in bliss as well.

You said no, you wanted to bask in his touch now. Vibrations can be felt when he hummed in response.

"How spoiled." Hissed Yves with mock distaste. "But, I wouldn't have you any other way." He continued, softening his tone.

You grinned, feeling his hands rub soothing circles on your back.

"I will give you ten more minutes. Then, you must eat. Did I make myself clear?" You nodded, pressing your face against him. A chuckle reverberates through his ribcage.

You relaxed even more, and enjoyed the attention you were receiving. Whereas Yves had a lot on his mind.

It's been a day since he last stepped foot into the courthouse or prison, and he should be discharging you today.

Your family back in your home country still doesn't have an inkling of any idea about what you went through. While Yves is pleased that you're completely relying on him, it also worries him that your support system is practically non-existent.

Despite being possessive over you, he also knows that you're still young and a human, you need the presence of other relationships to develop healthily. Yves wouldn't want to shorten your life expectancy nor would he want to fry your neurons just because he was selfish during your formative years.

He also wanted that domesticity where you would introduce him to your parents, and it becomes his duty to charm them. Not that it's of any challenge of him to do so.

He twirled your hair around his fingers as he pondered the reality around him. He stopped when he heard a change in your breathing. You fell back asleep.

Yves sighed and rested his hand next to your head, Checking the clock in the room.

You're not physically starving, and neither is this a sign of some serious underlying cause. Why not let you rest against him a little longer?

He pulled the blanket to your shoulders before snuggling closer.

__

Mr. Jones lost almost everything when Evangeline let her mask slip that day. He lost his daughter and his wife; they fought and fought over the matter, where Mr. Jones mostly defended his little girl's actions. She refused to acknowledge that she was partially at fault as well, for not paying attention to Evangeline's behavior.

His wife demanded to get a divorce, and they were still living together in the same house. But sleeping in separate rooms. She would have moved back into her mother's home, but they had no space for her. Seeing that Mr. Jones is unlikely to hurt her out of rage, she stays until she can afford to start the process of separation and get her own place.

The legal fees for Evangeline devastated their combined savings, and both of them had to take up extra hours of work just to put food on the table. It's for the best, this limits the interaction between them at home.

Mr. Jones undoubtedly loved his wife, so it felt like his world was crumbling when she started looking away. He missed their morning talks, the love between them and their daughter. Tears were shed, but he had to keep them under control if he wanted to keep his remaining clients. Customers started dropping him after learning about his daughter's deeds, not wanting to associate themselves with a relative of a depraved criminal.

The ones who stayed are either clueless or not as concerned about their reputation. The company that hires him to work as a professional chauffeur is notably withholding customers from him, most likely due to them hearing about the case too.

The couple disagreed on everything after that fateful day, there were verbal fights daily and unbearable tensions between them. The house felt more like a concrete box with no air holes, so there were days Mr. Jones would even sleep in his car.

However, one day, there was something that they could finally agree on. And that is a beautiful gift hamper addressed to the Jones family.

It was from Yves, containing expensive wines, luxury chocolates, imported perfumes, an exquisite, living room display piece, a set of crystal glassware, and shiny jewelry. This sympathy gift was surely not cheap nor easy to put together, the items are either rare to come by or custom-made.

There was a sealed envelope inside, it made both husband and wife cry upon reading his printed letter with his name embossed onto it.

It said,

It has been a tumultuous time for all persons involved. I can only imagine the anguish you must have felt as parents. There will be differences between the two of you regarding this, conflict is to be expected. Despite what Evangeline has done, she deserves a whole and loving family. Please accept this as a gift of sympathy. Wishing you strength and understanding, with the courage to overcome the turbulence as a team. -Yves.

They embraced each other, forgiving for each other's transgressions and apologizing for their mistakes as well. Mr. Jones's wife retracted her request for a divorce and expressed regret for even bringing that up. Yves is right, they have to stay together for their daughter. Evangeline needs them more than ever, they cannot let the family fall apart.

Both of them felt the weight of their guilt crushing their bones. Yves is such a kind man for caring about their wellbeing although his partner is a victim of a horrible crime done by their child. It was such a nice gesture, they thought he had a heart of gold that withstood the blows of the steely mallet of cruelty. They wished so badly for this to never happened, they wished to make it right but they couldn't afford to. They had no idea how to. Especially when Yves filed for a restraining order against them shortly after.

So they carried on. Appreciating the goodies and savoring them. Among the pristine jewelry, there was a suncatcher with charming little gems woven in intricate patterns. Mr. Jones found it quite nice and decided to hang it on his rear-view mirror. It garnered quite a handful of compliments from his clients and friends alike. There is a gorgeous necklace that pairs well with all his wife's outfits, so she would wear them regularly and receive praise from her coworkers.

The piece of decor really helped to bring the living room together, the couple would catch themselves smiling at it, as the item reminded them of Yves's goodwill.

The glassware made the gifted wines taste better by elevating their appearance, they sounded delightful too when clinked together.

Eventually, his wife moved back into the master bedroom, the lit candles from Yves's basket smelled heavenly and relaxed their nerves especially when they had rough days at work.

They were enjoying them too much to connect the dots.

They thought the clumps of hair that fell in the showers were due to stress with all the legal shenanigans going on. The frequent headaches and strange sores that appeared around the chest of Mr. Jones's wife, and Mr. Jones's forehead were probably due to the immense pressure they were facing due to financial instability.

They worked long hours every day, so it made sense to feel fatigued and dizzy sometimes. Except it isn't normal to feel it almost daily.

The frequent vomiting and diarrhea must have been due to stress. It couldn't be from the chocolates, that were eaten weeks ago! The doctors told them that their weakened immune system from overworking made them susceptible to the most rudimentary of diseases. They're just unlucky to have caught a stomach bug from somewhere.

That explains the frequent fevers too, they're hindering their ability to work. Mr. Jones kept losing clients because they also fell ill with similar symptoms. He was double-masked, but nothing seemed to stop the spread of this mystery virus.

The tests showed nothing out of the ordinary for them, except the bacteria or virus of the illness they were suffering at the time. They felt horrible for thinking Yves had tampered with the food, especially after sending it to a lab for analysis to come back negative for any poisons or biohazardous materials.

They had their house tested for mold. Nothing. The husband and wife had to spend a weekend off to try and locate whatever was causing their prolonged sickness. They cleaned everything, from top to bottom, and eradicated every particle of dust in their home. Still, it persists.

The couple couldn't smell, hear, see, or feel anything out of the ordinary, it is making them go insane. They couldn't figure out for the life of them, what is slowly leading them to their death?

They're tired. Too tired to wonder why their electronics are glitching out and sometimes even shutting down randomly. Their cameras are weirdly taking fuzzy pictures, this is especially annoying to Mrs. Jones, when she has to scan a photo of a document only to come out distorted and illegible.

They're exhausted. Too exhausted to question the doctors who kept telling them that they were fine, they must have been simply too stressed. The only remedy was to stop working as much and worrying too much. Fully believing the couple would bounce back to full health when they heed their advice. Thinking that their immune system would regain strength to fight against the constant infections. The professionals were too busy, too apathetic to look a bit closer. To peek into the microscope once more.

They would have found unusual alterations in their red blood cells' DNA and white blood cell count. But they didn't, dooming the Jones to a terrible fate.

Mr. Jones kept forgetting his routes, stumbling over his words as he would experience bouts of confusion. Mrs. Jones would misremember where she put her important documents or the agreed time when she had to meet her supervisors.

The couple has lost a substantial amount of weight, they were ghoulish and sickly, finding it a challenge to even handle their own body weight. They're in constant agony every minute, and neither can sleep it off or ignore the pain, there isn't much they can do without knowing the cause of their misery.

But they kept going on. They have to for the sake of their family. For the sake of Evangeline.

The Jones only has a couple more weeks to find out what is causing these before it's too late. However, being this severely mentally and physically incapacitated led them to miss a laughably straightforward solution of buying a Geiger Muller Counter. Especially when Mr. Jones knew Yves has a strong background in mathematics and physics.

Mr and Mrs Jones held onto each other as they closed their eyes after retiring early for the day, praying that this wouldn't be their last night in this world.

[good-beans]

hi beans!!! I saw your tags on my poll and I have to ask... Murder Swap AU for milgram??? 👀👀👀👀

I am very intrigued and I don't know if you've mentioned it somewhere before but I'd love to learn more about it if that's okay!! 💜

(also random side note thank u for ur lovely comments about my ocs they make me smile so much awawaaa okay bye--)

Ahhh yes!! ☺️Thanks for asking wahh, I didn't realize people would be curious ;-; Unfortunately it's not any kind of fully fleshed out au story or anything, just something that I have one post about and personally bounce around in my head a lot. It's a fun character exercise for me, seeing what's core to a character, what's a core to a crime, and the similarities/differences between the prisoners. It was supposed to have fun art for it, but somebody keeps putting it off *gives myself a pointed look*

The original post is here, though this has nudged me to make some updates! With their new videos, I now know more to modify Shidou/Mahiru's. It was necessary because of the ages, but I wasn't satisfied with Kotoko's, so I gave her another one here. And Kazui/Haruka's changed now that I have a clearer idea of Kazui's crime. (I know Cat isn't out yet but when I wrote the first post I thought Kazui's murder had been neglect-based -- he left his wife in the path of danger and wasn't there to help because they'd drifted apart. Now that I've looked deeper into his story I see it's different...)

Doctor Mahiru is very much the same, except this time she did start her family with her boyfriend/now husband -- she has the older daughter and younger son she always dreamed of. They're like a picture out of a magazine, or her romance novels. The perfect happy family. And then the accident strikes, and she has sixteen days to make a choice to save one of them by sacrificing another. She was also taking organs from patients prior to this, but saw everything through her painfully optimistic lens. She was saving lives. She was the perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect doctor. It isn't until she does the same to her own family that she realizes what a horrible act she's been committing.

Shidou is deeply and madly in love with his girlfriend he met when moving to the city, but he still has a tendency for deception and distraction. (He mentions in one of his questions that his wife takes charge with a lot of the care at home and he relies on her) in the au, he'd be equally reliant on her but always painting things perfectly. He twists truths and hides mistakes to convince her everything is perfect, even though she's struggling with her own pain and seeing the cracks in their relationship. He hears her mention suicidal thoughts, but buries them -- and any trace of negativity -- with grand stretched truths of how perfect everything is. He ignores the signs until it's too late.

(Half the fun is the aesthetic swapping, but I realized that Shidou's also works if he was still a doctor lol. He's so caught up in monitoring her physical health every time she complains of struggling, but doesn't take into account her mental strain. He treats her like a patient, only looking at physical symptoms, misleading her and himself about the reality of her emotions)

So yeah, I originally needed Kotoko to swap with Yuno since the other girls are too young (and Mahiru was already taken). Still, it felt weird removing her drive for justice, especially seeing how Harrow/Deep Cover hints that she lives for this purpose alone. I realized she could be cool to swap with Shidou -- and she protects the weak by saving everyone no matter the cost. She believes in her heart that the ends justify the means every time. She will be the fang for those who can't advocate for themselves, that's justice to her. I've seen some theories about lost family members as the wolves in her mv, so it would be those people in her "pack" that she kills/saves to make her second guess her work.

Haruka always had trouble expressing his emotions. Though his parents weren't outright abusive, they didn't know how to deal with any neurodivergence in their children, and couldn't help him when he had trouble communicating. They force him to take up theater in school to help him open up, but it only makes him better at acting and hiding his true self. He's awkward and shy, but found that lying could save him from many unwanted circumstances. He constantly lies to his sister as he grows more distant from his family. She discovers the shocking truth to one of these, leading to an emotional confrontation. After so much time bottling himself up, hiding behind masks, the only way he manages to communicate is in an explosive way, and the accident ensues.

And okay, I said it jokingly at first, but I actually think it'd work if Es and Jackalope swapped. The knowledgeable voice of the project is calm and serious. Es remains mysterious, and tells us to take our duty very seriously. But of course we haven't 100% done that -- an anime's fandom is definitely better portrayed by the cheeky rabbit willing to make judgements for whatever personal reasons come to mind first

[innerpalaces]

The Life of a Cannon Fodder Mother-in-Law - 11

Chapter 11: The Deceived Mother-in-Law 11

While Qi Zhengming was angry, he felt a little guilty in his heart. "Huixin, look around the city, whose wife is as free as you are?" Qi Zhengming said with a sharp expression, "Don't push your luck too much."

Liu Yuniang raised her eyebrows: "I think I did a pretty good job. Even if I beat you, I showed mercy." Qi Zhengming choked. He was so injured, how was this merciful? "As I said before, if you can bear it, bear it. If you can't, we can part ways." Liu Yuniang looked casual, as if this was not the big deal of divorce, but just the weather. Qi Zhengming stared at her: "Huixin, are you really not afraid? " Liu Yuniang waved her hand and said in a meaningful tone: "You should be the one who's afraid. The Qi family itself is not very wealthy, and things were tight after supporting multiple scholars. After Liu Huixin entered the family, she relied on her own means and the support of her natal family to open more and more shops and do better and better business. The Qi family was able to be so well-off all thanks to her dowry. Qi Zhengming claimed to be a scholar indifferent to money, and Liu Huixin herself was not willing to hand over the businesses, so after all these years, the Qi family itself was still the same as before. To put it bluntly, the Qi family without Liu Huixin can no longer be so lavish. Although Qi Zhengming didn't pay much attention to his family's expenses, he subconsciously understood that the family could not do without his wife. Of course, before today, he had never thought of divorcing his wife, and never imagined that his wife would want to leave. At this moment, his face flushed, and he did not dare to say harsh words. He opened and closed his mouth several times, and finally left in a huff. The couple parted ways unhappily, but Liu Yuniang was not affected at all and went to visit Qi Cai Miao. Qi Cai Miao was now living in her natal home, with a skilled doctor prescribing medicine, servants taking care of everything, and her two children accompanying her. Once she was in a good mood, her condition improved quickly. When she had first come back, she was like a fragile porcelain doll, but two days later she could already get out of bed and walk around. Seeing her mother returning, she smiled and said, "Mom, I asked someone to make some chicken soup. You can have some later." Liu Yuniang agreed casually, thinking it necessary to tell her about the couple's current relationship. Rather than hearing it from others and being frightened, it would be better for her to say it herself. "Sit down, I have something to tell you." Seeing her mother's serious expression, Qi Cai Miao subconsciously suppressed the smile on her face, and sat on the couch uneasily: "Is it about the Xu family?"

"No." Liu Yuniang shook her head. Holding her hand, she explained: "It's about me and your father. I just went to find Cheng Rumeng and took her to see her matchmaking partner in person. She was very resistant, and your father also tried to stop her again and again... The relationship between the two of them...it's not simple."  Qi Cai Miao opened her mouth slightly, full of surprise. Not sure if she had misunderstood, she tentatively asked: "Is this true?" "Yes." Liu Yuniang looked at her seriously: "If this is really the case, I won't stay in the Qi family anymore." Qi Cai Miao swallowed: "Mom, do you want to divorce?" Liu Yuniang looked at her pale face: "Cai Miao, a person's life is not long, just a few decades. The most important thing is to make yourself comfortable. I don't want to wrong myself to please others." Qi Cai Miao was thoughtful. In the evening, the mother and daughter were having dinner when Qi Hechen came in from outside and asked someone to add a pair of bowls and chopsticks after he sat down. During this time, he helped mother and daughter pick up dishes and added soup to their bowls several times, showing great courtesy. After dinner, the maid took away the bowls and chopsticks. Qi Hechen lifted a teacup and peeked at Liu Yuniang's expression. She had long seen that he had something to discuss, but didn't bother to ask. Even if she didn't ask, Qi Hechen couldn't help but say, "Mom, I heard from dad that you deliberately scalded him with boiling water?" "He deserved it." Liu Yuniang said unceremoniously. "If you think I did something wrong and want to lecture me, then you'd be better off not speaking." Qi Hechen was silent for a moment: "Mom, if you don't want anyone to say anything, why did you do it?" He looked helpless: "Dad is a man, so he gave in to you. Otherwise, if you two really fight, you will definitely suffer." "That's not necessarily the case." Liu Yuniang said with a mocking look on her face, "Your father has a guilty conscience and doesn't dare to fight back." She looked Qi Hechen up and down. "Speaking of which, do you know what your father is doing outside?" Qi Hechen was frightened by her gaze. He didn't dare to look at her, and his eyes were averted. "What do you mean?" Liu Yuniang asked directly: "There is obviously something strange going on with your father and Cheng Rumeng. Do you know anything?" "I don't." Qi Hechen answered quickly, but after he said it, he realized that he was too excited and was immediately guilty. He felt that he had been seen through by his mother, so he forced a smile. "Mom, dad just saw that godmother was alone, so he took extra care of her. How could you have such an idea?" "I'm not blind." Liu Yuniang sneered, "Your father couldn't take his eyes off her. I found a good marriage for your godmother, but he repeatedly blocked it. Who would believe him if he said he had nothing to hide?" Qi Hechen hurriedly said: "Mom, this involves dad and godmother, they are not outsiders. You can't talk nonsense about such things." "I only believe what I see with my own eyes." Liu Yuniang looked at him, her eyes mocking. "I'm your mother, you don't believe what I say and instead repeatedly help them to shirk responsibility. You must have known that they were secretly communicating with each other. Are you trying to fool me on purpose?"

"No!" Qi Hechen sighed. "Mom, you hit dad because you misunderstood him. Don't be so impulsive in the future. What if you really hurt someone, and later find out that dad didn't do those things. Won't you regret it? " Qi Zhengming, that dog man, deserves to be beaten to death. How can she regret it? Liu Yuniang lowered her eyes: "None of the words you said are what I want to hear. You don't need to worry about the things between me and your father. Your own affairs are still a mess. Hurry up and appease the Zhao family, and don't let your mother-in-law come to trouble me again." Qi Hechen had come to see her, firstly because he heard that his mother had splashed his father with hot water and he wanted to persuade his mother to stop acting out. Secondly, he also wanted his mother to go to Liu family and try to get Liu Chanchan to marry someone else. Even if it can't be done, convince Liu Chanchan not rush to enter the house and discuss things slowly.

It was true that the Zhao family was pushing too hard and seemed to be incompatible with the Liu family. After all, he was the one who had wronged Zhao Zhenyan. He would have to take the provincial examination next year. If things really got out of hand, it would not be good for him. "Mom, please help me persuade Chanchan." Qi Hechen wiped his face and said, "I really wronged her. I'm willing to pay a hundred taels of silver to help her add to her trousseau." Liu Yuniang raised her eyebrows: "One hundred taels?" She stretched out her hand and said, "Show me the hundred taels first." Qi Hechen: "..." Liu Yuniang sneered: "Do you know how hard it is for me to earn a hundred taels? You just ask for a hundred taels. Do you think that silver grows on trees?"

Qi Hechen was silent for a moment, before: "It's not like our family can't afford it."

"Then pay it yourself!" Liu Yuniang said unceremoniously: "You usually look down on my business dealings and turn your nose up at the smell of money, but now you want me to use silver to solve your troubles. You and your father are the same kind of people. It's annoying to see you. Get out of here!" After saying this, she threw the teacup in her hand. The two were too close, and Qi Hechen couldn't avoid it at all. Tea splashed all over his face, and a lot of it was stained on his clothes, which made him look particularly pathetic. He brushed the tea leaves off his chest with his hand and said angrily: "Mom, why are you so unreasonable?" Liu Yuniang even threw the teapot this time. "Your godmother is gentle, kind, and considerate. Go and find that mother! Get out of here!" Qi Hechen was once again doused with tea all over his head and face, and he quickly jumped up to avoid it. In addition to being angry, he also felt guilty. His mother had always been docile towards them, but now she was so impatient that she had just poured tea on his father, and now she even splashed it on him. Moreover her tone was so firm...

Could it be that she really knew about those things? "Mom, don't talk nonsense." Qi Hechen took a few steps back, secretly paying attention to his mother's expression: "Godmother has helped us a lot over the years. If it weren't for her, I would have died long ago. What you said is clearly ungrateful and repaying kindness with enmity..." Qi Cai Miao, who was beside him, was furious. "Brother, what are you talking about? " She emphasized: "This is our mother, how can you scold her like this?" As she spoke, she pushed the person out. She was afraid that he would say something unpleasant again and hurt her mother's heart. Only the mother and daughter were left in the room. Qi Cai Miao's eyes were red and she consoled her: "Mom, brother is just confused. He didn't mean to say those words. " If the person here was the real Liu Huixin, she would probably be sad. But now that Liu Yuniang is here, she only feels disgust for the Qi family father and son, and their words and actions cannot affect her at all. Qi Zhengming soon learned what happened in his daughter's courtyard. His wife was still angry, and his daughter-in-law stayed at her parents' home. Seeing that the family seemed to be falling apart, he had to urge his son privately to bring Zhao Zhenyan back at all costs. Qi Hechen was quite good at coaxing people, which was why he'd been able to make the two girls so loyal to him. He went to the Zhao family and picked up Zhao Zhenyan the same day. They had a lot of trouble before, but he was the only one who knew how many promises he had made in the process of bringing her back smoothly. No matter what happened at home, in the eyes of outsiders, the Qi family had returned to normal. Qi Zhengming was about to go to Cheng Rumeng to discuss a solution to the situation, but found that she had already visited Master Zhang several times. After the first invitation, the two of them got closer and closer, looking like an unmarried couple. "Rumeng, are you really planning to get married?" When Qi Zhengming asked this question, his face was as dark as the bottom of a pot. Cheng Rumeng felt guilty: "Master Zhang is too enthusiastic, I can't refuse his invitations." She lowered her head and said in a low voice: "I am a widow, so it is normal to get re-married... right?" Qi Zhengming was furious and reminded: "Rumeng, you are not really a widow!" In the past few days, while Cheng Rumeng was meeting with Master Zhang, she was also thinking about what to say when facing Qi Zhengming. After a moment of panic, she spoke rationally. "Zhengming, you can't divorce your wife. If I continue to stay here like this, I will always have to live in the shadows and worry all my life." She tugged at the hem of her clothes: "Besides, I feel that Huixin has begun to doubt both of us. It will definitely not be as convenient as before for us to interact in the future. If she really catches us, what should I do then?" Qi Zhengming was furious. "These are things that haven't happened yet!" "Just think of it as me worrying too much." Cheng Rumeng raised her head. "I'm tired of sneaking around and want to get married. Can you marry me?" Qi Zhengming choked.

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[viilpstick]

╰┈➤ 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐪𝐮𝐞'𝐬 𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐠: I sense there's something in the wind, that feels like tragedy's at hand and though she'd like to stand by her father's side and be an obedient daughter, she couldn't help to believe the worst was coming. And when it did, it's all going to be twisted upside down.

𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒔: Monique D'automne, Twisted Wonderland oc

𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: Mentions of kidnapping, angst (background and personality), phobia of being alone (personality), a bit of oc x cannon

𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒓𝒆: Angst (on the background and personality), some fluff and crackfic in the (relationships)

𝒂/𝒏: Lore change hehe, I feel like it is for the best, I think she was being too much of a Mary Sue.

"I don't know but I feel there's something behind this whole story, feels like they are always trying to hide it from me. And it seems wrong to me. Very wrong."

𝑩𝒂𝒄𝒌𝒈𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅: She knows being disobedient will get her to the wrong path… But, what if she needs to be disobedient to learn the truth? Try as she may, it curiosity doesn't last.

Monique had always grown up in a household that discouraged adventurousness and curiosity. She was constantly reminded by her father, Frainkey D'automne, an ex-doctor and pharmaceutical specialist who was now 56 years old, that patience was her most valuable virtue. He often questioned why she would consider being ungrateful enough to leave him, leaving an old man like him to face the prospect of dying alone. Monique never had the chance to meet her mother, and as a result, she believed that her life was destined to remain confined within the four walls of their home. There was no one to confide in about her father's controlling tendencies, and she wondered why, at the age of 17, she couldn't at least attempt to break free from her father's grasp.

Her desire for independence and a life beyond the restrictive boundaries set by her father led her to a fateful moment when a heated argument erupted between them. Most would dismiss it as just another teenage tantrum, but for Monique, it was a desperate cry for freedom. One day, in a bold and rebellious move, she clandestinely slipped a mysterious herb into her father's evening tea, hoping it would induce a deep slumber and buy her enough time to escape.

As she runaway from her home, not that this is the first time, and who knows if he will find her? She lays her head in a abandoned house metal railings, falling sleep hugging her scarf.

Awakening in the next morning, she was not prepared for what she found. The reality that greeted her was far more chilling than her worst nightmare. Instead of the safety of her own bed, she found herself in a dimly lit, confined space, her breathing labored and her heart pounding with terror. She wasn't in her room; she wasn't even in their house. Monique realized with a shudder that she had not expected to wake up in a coffin, her worst fears becoming an eerie, surreal truth.

𝑷𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊��𝒚: Now, she has a chance to live her life, she's adventurous more than ever! But… She doesn't want to be fully alone. Where will her actions lead herself then?

Monique is a young woman who, despite growing up in a restrictive environment, harbors a deep-seated desire for independence. Her decision to drug her father's tea and escape her home demonstrates her courage and determination to break free from the confines of her sheltered life.

Whatsoever, Monique becomes someone who needs to rely in others, specially for never learning how to life in her own and while she longs for independence. That generated a fear of being alone, that's one of the reasons why she mostly keeps Grim closer to her everytime.

Monique's actions also suggest a level of logical side, specially when she slips the herbs for her father to sleep more than once. She did felt conflicted about leaving him behind, knowing that he would face the prospect of loneliness. This shows that she possesses a caring and compassionate side, even deciding to do it anyway.

Monique, despite her upbringing that emphasized patience as a virtue, had always been the antithesis of that advice. Impatience coursed through her veins, manifesting in various aspects of her life. With so long waiting, Monique is someone very impatient.

As well determined, Once Monique realizes the gravity of her situation, her determination to survive this tought school, where everyone seems to have enough problems to simply overblot. She's not one to give up easily, even when confronted with the darkest of situations. In the face of the unknown, Monique's inquisitive nature pushes her to explore her surroundings and uncover the mystery of her predicament. Her desire to seek answers and understand her circumstances drives her actions.

The brown haired girl's vulnerability is exposed when she faces the terrifying reality of being alone in another world. This vulnerability humanizes her character and makes her journey all the more compelling.

The complex side of Monique's character is rich and multi-dimensional, with a blend of strengths, weaknesses, and conflicting emotions. Her journey from a sheltered, controlled life to a perilous and unexpected situation adds depth to her character, making her a compelling and relatable protagonist.

In summary, Monique is a someone who longs for independence and takes drastic measures to escape her restrictive environment. However, she also shows empathy and compassion for others, indicating a caring side. Despite her impatience, she is determined and curious, seeking answers and exploring her surroundings. Her vulnerability humanizes her character, and her journey adds depth to her complex personality.

𝑨𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆: In their enthusiastic crowd, she never stood up in as someone else, but did her looks showed how unique she is, oh, they did.

Monique is a young woman with dark brown with some dark red streaks in her hair. Her skin is just as soft as cloth's material, and between pale skin to beige. Her eyes are in a beautiful shade of grey.

For her body is in a pear body, yet she still pretty much slim, with some scars along it's way (when Monique was a kid, she was far from careful).

𝐃𝐨𝐫𝐦 𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐟𝐢𝐭: Drop-waist flapper dress with fringe or lace details, her dress would lean towards dark, like deep burgundy, black but with a dark purple, cyan and yellow.

Accentuate her Gothic style, she might adorn herself with Victorian-inspired jewelry, such as ornate chokers, cameo brooches, and dark gemstones like amethyst or onyx. Gloves, typically short, could be made of white lace.

Mary Jane style shoes with a chunky heel. And a long pantyhose, with dark cyan shades of dark purple and a bright yellow.

The make up is pretty much Vil's style but a bit more dramatic and melancholic with smokey eyes and a dark red lipstick.

𝑹𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 (𝒎𝒂𝒊𝒏 𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒔): She always wanted a Prince Charming, but the idea of having an enchanted king, never crossed her mind, for he may be the one.

Cater Diamond: Identical crisis besties o(>ω<)o /hj Monique and Cater were the type of people who immediately clicked in. Cater tried to push Monique away, afraid that she would find out he never had a great actual friend. But, oh wow, SURPRISE! So, did Monique. They constantly go out as the biggest besties at the whole school, Cater for once don't publish too much of her, but when he did, a famous someone had his attention caught.

Epel Felmier: Well, this is now he son. Taking care of him pretty much like her kid, whatsoever, Epel see that Monique is just really being kind and not have bad intentions of treating him like an actual toddler. Specially, when they first met, Monique knew Epel was a boy, and never called him cute or pretty, so she have that free pass.

Silver: Silver taught how Monique could be more independent, thanks to Silver, Monique know how to do basic tasks she would find trouble since her father never taught her. In exchange, Monique makes herbs and teas to make Silver slightly more awake in class and not electric with caffeine.

Vil Schoenheit: Monique doesn't perceive herself as conventionally attractive; quite the opposite, in fact. Standing out in a crowd was never her forte, so she chose to distinguish herself through her unique designs. What truly caught Vil's attention was Monique's distinctive style, which stood out amidst the sea of ordinary individuals. It was as if she radiated an inexplicable charm that mesmerized him. Monique herself couldn't quite fathom why Vil wanted to be in her company, especially given their initial encounter, went with him thinking her sense of fashion was super poor.

Crewel Divus: He adopted her. That's it. Monique is someone who love to design, and during one class, she couldn't figure it out how to work, specially because she doesn't have magic, and so, Divus let her sit on his side awhile drawing, when his head turned to her; She simple had drawn the most amazing piece of clothing for him, he saw a future in her with that design.

𝑻𝒓𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒂: As a dearest friend, you may like to join her by her side, where we can gaze into the stars wonder the next step into the future, for it is plain, as anyone can see, she's simply meant to be in here.

Monique is inspired on Sally from "Nightmare before Christmas"

Monique meaning: from Monica; Young woman. Monique is a feminine name of French and Hebrew origin. Monique means "alone" and "unique"

D'automne means from autumn in French

Her style is inspired by the gothic and 20's style

18 years old, born in March 9th

Her height is 168cm/5'6.1ft

Monique's dominant hand is right

Fav. drink + food: Elderflower tea, salad.

Least fav. drink + food: Coffee, mushroom.

Hobbies: Sewing

Pet peeves: Starting fights in the middle of nowhere, math

Likes: Drawing

Talent: Intuition

Best subject: Herbology

Club: Science Club

DO NOT COPY, TRANSLATE OR REPOST IN OTHER MEDIA MY WORK viilpstick © copyright 2023

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW : difficult relationship with food?, mentionned eating disorder, child neglect, child abuse, ableism

Can you help me understand my relationship with food better? I don't think I have and eating disorder, but I've become concerned when piecing together my childhood trauma and current relationship with food. I don't really know what to think of it.

I've been forced to stay hungry for long periods as a kid because my parents very rarely allowed snacks between meals, and the meal times were very strict. When they offered snacks, it was often nuts, "organic" cookies with poppy seets and vague lemon flavor - not great when it's your only option. They'd even withhold food when we were hiking for a long time because we "hadn't found a good spot yet"...

My dad also has some very unhealthy ideas about food, I suspect that he might fit the criteria for anorexia. He rose me with these ideas, obviously. He believes that forcing yourself endure pain is honorable, in general - he already got himself sick at some point from working out constantly and eating very little. That being said he also pressures me and my sibling to eat less just because he wants to spend less money.

As a child I would sneak anything edible in my room. I hid chunks of salt in tissues, raisins in some box I had in my room... My dad even found the bowl of noodles i hid in my nightstand as a teen (glad I didn't eat that honestly). I even had a bottle that ended up spoiling which resulted in a lot of guilt.

I only had free access to food at one of my grandma's, when I stayed at her place I could eat anything anytime and it felt good. She had snack / candy drawers and I'd pick what I wanted, but I know I also probably ate too much of it at once. It felt like I was rushing to eat because I finally could. This was when I was a teen, I wasn't a toddler or a child anymore.

I also always ate lunch at school from primary to end of highschool and since I'm autistic it was traumatizing. I would be hungry most of the time because my body pretty much refuses any food that doesn't feel right.

My parents also pressured me into eating foods that felt horrible (I was not "scared", I knew what it tasted like and I just couldn't). So I'd end up not always eating enough at family meals, too, when I had the chance. My parents never accomodated my disability and this includes food sensitivity. I'm 20 now, and I eat what I want around the house and I've learned to cook. I pack my own meal when I commute to uni, and I finally eat foods that feel safe. Still a lot of depressing ingredients but I make it work.

However I have a hard time handling hunger, I am always drawn to fat and especially sugary foods. I got my first cavities ever in the past 2-3 years, basically when I started this new way of life.

I also have quite a bit of gut problems, I will see a doctor soon I think but basically I rely on butter, pasta, bread and rice to fill me up. I can't pack meat/eggs because it would spoil, and I try eating vegetables often but it doesn't always help (and the fresh veggies are like... carrots, carrots again, carrots... carrots again with some carrots on the side - these are not a safe food so.. yeah). I do eat more nuts lately because I need to chew on something when studying, and it does help with the hunger.

I feel like I don't understand how to feed myself healthily (without being restrictive like my parents were bc it's all they taught me).

I have ways to deal with the material signs of this relationship with food, so I'm more interested in the core problem. Could you help me with this? Also if you have resources I'd be happy to see them. Thanks a lot :)

Hi anon,

I would ultimately recommend asking an ED-informed therapist or nutritionist about this. I know that maintaining a healthy diet after experiences like those is not an easy thing to do, and I don't want to give potentially counterintuitive advice.

I think a therapist could help in getting to the core problem of your complicated relationship with food, especially as a professional who will know what they're doing much better than an inexperienced volunteer. A nutritionist or dietician may help in the actual application of a healthier plate.

I hope I could help at least a little bit. Best of luck with everything and please know that you're welcome here if you need anything.

-Bun

[heartofpassion2004]

Childhood Cancer for Life

For most of my adult life, my relationship with my body has been an uneasy détente at best.  When I’ve felt held back in life, it’s been the can’t-ever-quite-wake-up of anemia, the loss of my sprinting speed and high school soccer career to my first relapse - and most obviously, its inexplicable consistency in letting mutant cells get cozy wherever they’d like and the subsequent sidelining of every major school-age phase.  I’ve returned the love accordingly - pushing through too many all-nighters with Diet Coke and Skittles, letting potato chips make up a measurable percentage of my daily diet, and generally forcing rather than training my body to do what I want it to.  I haven’t felt fully connected to this thing that I’ve seen as the source of some of my biggest obstacles.

Part of this comes from always feeling like a nail in a room full of hammers.  Outside of the cancer world, rhabomyosarcoma isn’t commonly encountered, and I always felt like new doctors saw me as a curiosity.  Once, when I was describing the fertility saving steps I took during my relapses, a doctor gasped in awe at “how cool doctors are.”  She caught me double check her post-nominal letters on her white coat in confusion.  In college, I went to the student health center for an upper respiratory infection.  They ordered a chest X-ray and set off a week of terror when they urgently needed Emory to send my previous scans - they didn’t know how to read the scar tissue from radiation.  Still don’t remember if I actually got medicine for the infection that brought be there to begin with.  It’s been easier to just keep my head in the sand and avoid doctors all together, all the white expecting the body to fail me again before I’m ready.

I was first diagnosed in 1997 and relapsed in 2001 and again at the end of 2003.  The lag between recurrence was unusual, though it was to my benefit because prognosis for three-time rhabdo is fairly grim.  The in-between time gave me the chance to have the cancer completely surgically removed each time and to regain full strength before going into each new chemo/radiation regimen.  I was in what seems to be the first bubble of kids that were much more likely to survive than in the decades prior.  That also means I was in the first bubble of kids where the medical community was starting to realize long term effects - the quality of survival versus its mere existence - mattered.

The first indication of this nascent consideration was when I was 15 and my mom asked about the new drugs’ effects on my fertility.  We were shocked when we were told that the first chemo regimen probably knocked everything out of the works anyways.  It hadn’t occurred to the providers to address this concern secondary to life-saving, and it hadn’t occurred to us to ask.  Fortunately my mother has a talent for finding solutions, and her research, advocacy, and a few years of medically induced menopause before I was 19 seem to have done the trick.

As an adult, I’d find myself poring over the Long-Term Follow-Up Guidelines for Survivors of Childhood, Adolescent, and Young Adult Cancers put out by the Children’s Oncology Group.  This tiny-printed guide book organized by disease and drug are rife with medicalese and sliding scales of possibilities.  Here I learned I should probably start mammograms at 25 (chest radiation) and if my heart was still free from cardiomyopathy into my 20s (doxorubicin), I was probably good there.  I pretty much assumed a future diagnosis of leukemia or lymphoma was inevitable - afterall, chemo causes cancer.  The problem with this research is all of it relies on knowing your dosing.  While I knew we decreased vincristine when I lost feeling in my hands and feet and we monitored cytoxan (my only known allergy) closely - I had no idea what my doses had been.

Ten years after I finished my last chemo, I worked up the gumption to go to a survivorship clinic - still not as common then as they are now.  I looked forward to the relief of beng given a PLAN based on my unique treatment path from a team of medical professionals who didn’t see me as a novelty.  Unfortunately, I learned the team was missing at least a third of my records, and the plan was just print-outs from the already-familiar COG.  I left feeling depleted, and now I know this was the last time I tried to proactively look into my health, the detente with my body firmly established.  I always had an ob/gyn, probably thanks to the proactive care my mom ensured I had and because I’ve never wanted anything more than to be a mom, and I found a dermatologist after a couple years living at the beach with my Victorian complexion.  But I had zero interest in general care or giving cancer or its long term effects any more billing in my life.

Fast-forward another almost ten years, I pushed my body straight into a solid bout of pneumonia over the 2022 holidays, and I was aghast to have only Urgent Care as an option.  I went back to work too soon, until my office big brother kindly suggested I consider staying home until I could speak a sentence without losing my breath.  So a month or so later when I caught sight of an imperceptible bump on my neck, I assumed a lymph node was still cranky from this holiday sickness.  But the farther from the illness I got, the more I noticed the bump growing.  Dear friends (all in the medical field) happened to come for a visit and they took to nagging me to set an appointment, in the loving and persistent way that only longstanding friends can do.

Even with this encouragement and with the knowledge from my dad, a lymphoma survivor, that it didn’t feel like lymphoma, I was frozen when it came to scheduling a follow-up.  It was contrary to my adult life-long avoidance of general care.  I finally had to admit to my chief nagging angel that I’d never make the appointment for myself.  She had me send her my insurance card and I had an establish care appointment before I knew it.

I barely kept from rolling my eyes when the new PCP seemed more focused on my childhood cancer than my questions about long term effects, but when he ordered a CT scan of my entire torso to check out the neck and everything, I couldn’t complain.  It never hurts to have extra pictures of what’s going on.  I was back to rolling my eyes when I got a call about my “lung nodules” and scarring that seemed clearly reminiscent of former battles.  When my follow-up appointment then disclosed the mass on my liver and the referral to a surgical oncologist and plenty of testing, I just shrugged.  Now I’ll always be grateful for this PCP’s caution or intuition.

Three weeks after my establishing care appointment, on my mother’s birthday, I got the liver biopsy results.  While the bump on my neck was absolutely benign, the mass on my liver was definitively “positive for metastatic rhabdomyoscarcoma.”  Un-friggin-believable.

FULL STOP right here.

I want to be VERY clear to anyone reading this that a recurrence after 20 years is exceedingly rare and I fully expect to be a footnote in an obscure medical journal at some point.  I’ve personally coined it the Solomon Conundrum, but I’m open to suggestions.  There is solid, statistical and scientific backing that the five year cure rate is a magic number.  My path is anecdotal, and it should not set anyone’s expectations or concerns for their own long-term futures.  I wrestled with sharing this diagnosis because the last thing I want to do is cause personal fear for my RCD guests, alumni, and their families.  I decided to go ahead and share - with this VERY important caveat - because I think most of us survivors feel the same way about our own self-care and health monitoring.  This just as easily could have been any secondary malignancy or something completely new but needing attention.  While you should have full faith in your doctors when they transition you to survivorship care - I hope this story is a helpful reminder that you really should continue your care with personal agency and attention.  Unlike me, who just continuously gets lucky.

Caveat ended.

As in the first three times, this tumor appears fully resectable.  It’s also growing quite slowly.  Which is why I’ve chosen to hold off on surgery until after my 20 year high school reunion - the chance to reconnect with the people that held me close the first three go’s of this - and of course Red Carpet Day, which I expect to be one for the books.  I made this choice to avoid losing part of my heart along with a chunk of my liver.

One immediate and unexpected effect of the last few months rejoining the cancer world and of choosing to go seven more weeks knowing this joker is nice and cozy in my innermost core has been the complete melting of my lifelong, simmering detente with my body into something of a joyful, peaceful union.  There’s so much more to appreciate than hate.  My body responds very well to exercise, and while it lets cancer grow, it also keeps it encapsulated.  My body endures through where my mind pushes it even with minimal training, and I always recover well.  I can count how many times I’ve truly been sick (cancer aside) on one hand.  My body didn’t sideline me - it’s kept me in the game for 37 years.  And now I have seven weeks to invest in training and nutrition to work with my body to fight this next battle.  And I have a lifetime to nurture that relationship no longer wrought with regret or avoidance.

I hope sharing some of this has encouraged you in your own health journey - whether it’s scheduling that appointment you’ve been avoiding or better appreciating all your body does for you.  Consult your own medical professionals, and stay in tune to your body - but don’t put your head in the sand and regret what you feel you’ve lost.  You own every step of your journey, and cancer can’t take that from you.

#longtermfollowup #childrensoncologygroup #rhabdomyosarcoma #childhoodcancer

[fearsmagazine]

THE WELDER – Review

DISTRIBUTOR: Terror Films

SYNOPSIS:  Eliza, a young Latina woman, is haunted by a traumatic event she experienced while in the military, so her African American boyfriend, Roe, takes her on a ranch vacation to help relieve her anxiety and panic attacks. But once there, they find themselves in a fight for their lives as they attempt to elude the demented racial experiments of a doctor William Godwin who has gone mad due to the traumatic death of his wife.

REVIEW: I have to admit that based on the trailer I cringed. It seemed like an over the top exploitation genre film. Filmmaker David Liz and screenwriter Manuel Delgadillo set out to tell a tale that combines a variety of different elements, from as far back as “The Island of Dr. Moreau” to a contemporary film like "Get Out.” Upon viewing the film I felt it is an ambitious endeavor with an interesting cast of characters.

The narrative is nicely constructed as it deals racism and sexual abuse. It subtly explores the nature and horror of racial division and proposes a horrific solution. There are some modern plot points that drive the story, including the location being listed on an Airbnb-like platform. It is isolated enough so that what transpires feels plausible. The central characters, Eliza and William Godwin, have well constructed background stories. The dialogue feels natural. The relationship between Eliza and Roe, her boyfriend, is adeptly constructed. The story held my interest, however there is little to the science that is plausible and seems to rely more on the 1818 technology of Mary Shelly’s “Frankenstein.”

I liked the cast. Camila Rodríguez and Vincent De Paul anchor the film with their performances. Roe Dunkley is believable as a concerned boyfriend, but as things develop at the “ranch” his performance begins to lack a bit of gravitas. I enjoyed Crist Moward as a ranch hand/Igor. There is an aspect to the character that is never explained and it is suggested that he is a beneficiary of Godwin’s experiments. Overall, a solid ensemble cast.

THE WELDER is clearly an independent/homegrown genre film. The production values are impressive and the location adds a lot of value to the look of the film. The costumes feel like they might have been provided by the talent. The film's final act goes down rather quickly, so the special and visual effects don’t give you much time to think about them. They don’t feel logical and they’re graphic enough to keep the viewer from dwelling on them for too long. Some of the additional production designs to the doctor’s lab seem a bit overkill, pun intended. Still, they are obviously trying hard here to grab the viewer.

THE WELDER is an interesting, skillfully acted film with a nice location that is well shot and edited. It held my interest for the most part, but the film’s climax seems a bit rushed and the logic does not work well. Given the ambitious narrative, the multiple jobs Liz takes on, the talent and filmmakers do an admirable job for an independent low-budget horror movie.

CAST: Vincent De Paul, Camila Rodriguez, Roe Dunkley, Crist Moward, and Anthony Vazquez. CREW: Director/Screenplay/Producer/Cinematographer/Editor - David Liz; Screenplay - Manuel Delgadillo; Producers - Vincent De Paul, Kirsten Lea, and Salvatore Zannino; Score - James Hall; Costume Designer - Shelly White; Special Effects - Emilio Remoir & Antonio Alonso OFFICIAL: www.thewelderfilm.com FACEBOOK: N.A. TWITTER: N.A. TRAILER: https://youtu.be/aAmt0sDhHsw RELEASE DATE: On Digital February 24th, 2023

**Until we can all head back into the theaters our “COVID Reel Value” will be similar to how you rate a film on digital platforms - 👍 (Like), 👌 (It’s just okay),  or 👎 (Dislike)

Reviewed by Joseph B Mauceri

[danielxricciardo]

Can you do one with Dani? Maybe with 56&58 from angst prompts, like they have a kid from a fling but aren’t dating/together

Summary: You have a daughter with Daniel from a one-night stand.

Warnings: angst, fluff, swearing

Word count: 1.7k

56. “I was alone with my baby. My own thoughts terrified me. And you never bothered to call.”

58. “I keep trying to be a better mother, even when everything I do seems to backfire.”

You can boast that up until the age of 22 you were a model person.

You were the perfect daughter: you were home every holiday or birthday, you never argued with your parents and you made sure to call them every day since you moved out of their home.

You were the perfect older sister: you gave your younger siblings money without your parents' knowledge, you helped them when they asked for your help, and you tried to give them advice when they needed it.

You were the perfect friend: when your friends called you that they needed a shoulder to cry on, you were right next to them with a box of ice cream.

You were the perfect employee: you always got to work earlier, you stayed after-hours to finish all your work and to help others and you did your job perfectly.

But now you're 24 and everything is fucked up.

You moved in with your parents again and you no longer have that perfect relationship with them. You resigned from your job and from all the gang of friends you had, you were left with only one friend: Emilia.

Why?

Because now you had a daughter, resulting from a one-night stand.

You were a single mother who relied on the help and support of those around her.

Given that there was nothing more than a one-night stand between you and Kiera's father on your birthday night, you didn't know if it would be appropriate to post him on Instagram and say, 'Hey, 'sup, I don't know if you remember me, you drank a lot of whiskey that night, but we fucked and now you have a baby. Congratulations!' What kind of psychopath does that?

Not to mention that he is a public figure, of course, he wouldn't believe you and say you're just a money-obsessed girl; that if he saw the message on Instagram, obviously.

But it was going to be your daughter's second birthday and you were starting to get remorseful. Sure, you accepted your life as a single mother and you knew you wouldn't have a happy ending like in the princess books you read to Kiara, but it wasn't right for your daughter. She needs a father in her life. And it wasn't fair for Daniel not to know he had a daughter. Of course, you can only tell him and it is up to him to choose what to do with this information: whether he wants to be part of Kiara's life or not. At least you would have tried.

That weekend was going to be the Grand Prix of Great Britain and you didn't do much flying there, and, anyway, you could stay with your cousin you haven't seen in about 5 years.

Although your daughter's father was a well-known Formula 1 driver, you have never been to a race, and you were amazed by the very high prices for a ticket with access to the paddock.

You had a choice of which day to go and tell Daniel, probably, the news of his life.

You were sure you didn't want to tell him on Sunday. Before the race? Maybe he had an accident and he would have hurt himself. So no.

Saturday? Before qualifying? If you had told him then he would have gone to qualifications, he would not have focused and he would have come out on a low position. So no.

So you decided on Friday.

You left your cousin's house in the morning for the circuit where the race took place. You passed security without a problem with Kiara. You could walk through the paddock without any problems looking for your baby's father.

You knew that the best chance of finding Daniel was to go to McLaren Hospitality. On the way there, everyone you met stopped to look at Kaira, wondering how beautiful she was. You thanked them and prayed that they would not realize that she was Daniel's daughter, considering that she was almost identical to him; you could take her curly hair and smile as a positive result of the paternity test.

"What a beautiful baby!" you hear a girl standing in front of Red Bull Racing with Max Verstappen, and you immediately realize it's Kelly Piquet; good thing you documented yourself before you came.

You see her come and lean over the stroller.

"Oh my God, what beautiful eyes she has! What's her name?"

"Kiara," you answer and you look panicked as Max comes towards you.

"Look, Max! Isn't she a beautiful girl?"

Max smiles. "Yes, she is."

"What is such a small child doing here? She's going to hear very loud noises."

Damn it. What would you answer now?

"We came to walk around and meet some drivers," you answer as convincingly as you can. "It's never too early to start, right?" you giggle.

The two laughed, apparently they believed you.

But you immediately felt your legs soften and you saw Daniel walking with his teammate. You bit your lip and held on to the stroller better. All the courage left you and you wanted to leave.

"A baby!" Lando gasps and comes towards you.

Wonderful! Everyone behaved as if they had never seen a baby in their life, pathetic.

Daniel came after him, looking at you strangely. Did he recognize you? He also looks at Kiera and smiles.

You could've died there. You wanted to cry and you couldn't take your eyes off Daniel.

The next thing you saw was black.

You woke up lying on a bed, someone was holding a cold water pad on your forehead. And your head hurt a hell of a lot.

"Hey, are you okay?" Lando, who was next to you asks.

"Mhm, my head hurts."

"Oh, yes, you hit yourself a little when you fainted but a doctor came and consulted you while you were still unconscious and said you were fine. Can I get you something?"

"Just water."

"Coming right now," he says and gets up from next to you, leaving the room.

Kiera! Where was she? You get out of bed immediately, even though it made your head spin and you felt like throwing up.

"Hey, hey, hey, calm down!" Daniel says and gets up from his chair with Kiera in his arms.

You look at Kiera and breathe a sigh of relief.

"You seem so familiar to me," says Daniel and you want to faint again. "What's your name?"

"Y/N."

He seemed to be thinking. He didn't know how he knew you and you were afraid to tell him anything now.

"Wait! Spain, 2 years ago! It was like your birthday and we did shots together, right?"

Fuck. He remembered.

"Yes."

Daniel was smiling. Did he only remember the shots in the club?

"About that night..." you say and catch Daniel's attention. You signal to Kiera who is playing with some keys in Daniel's arms.

Daniel looked at the little girl and it was as if you could see the wheels spinning in his head.

"Wait a minute..."

"I brought you water, do you feel bet-"

"Go away!" Daniel shouts at Lando. Lando gets scared and gives you your water bottle then leaves. "What were you saying?"

You bite your lip.

"Kiera is your daughter."

"Dada!"

Daniel was speechless. His eyes were wide and they seemed to be coming out of their sockets and he was looking at Kiera. You didn't know how to interpret his reaction.

"Are you serious?"

"I don't know why you think I'm kidding."

"Are you sure I'm the father?"

You snort and get out of bed, you go to him and take Kiera out of his arms.

"What do you think? That I go to different wealthy men and tell them that they have a baby with me to give me money? I came to tell you because I thought Kiera would do well to have a father in her life. But I see that her father is not interested at all. You haven't even called me in all these years."

Daniel frowns and looks at you.

"What are you talking about?"

"The next morning I woke up before you and left my phone number on a note. I left it on your nightstand."

All the color was drained from his face.

"I didn't see the note."

You snort again.

“I realize it was a bad idea. I was alone with my baby. My own thoughts terrified me. And you never bothered to call.” you say and a few tears run down your face.

"Hey, hey, hey! You don't get to cry! I found out I lost the first few years of her life! You should have come earlier to tell me! You could come here, I don't know, you could contact me on Facebook, Instagram!"

"Yeah, sure! You doubted me now, if you'd have woken up with a message from me on Instagram you would have believed me immediately!"

"I believe you now," he says and puts a hand on your shoulder. "Please, I want to know more about her life. Can you stay?"

You looked at him with tears in your eyes. Is this really happening?

You both sat on the bed and Daniel took his daughter in his arms.

"Her full name is Kiera Hazel. In two weeks she'll be 2 years old." you start saying it with a big smile on your face. "Her first word was 'dada'."

Daniel laughs and looks at her.

"Was it hard to raise her alone so far?"

“I keep trying to be a better mother, even when everything I do seems to backfire. I had to resign from work because I couldn't divide my time between work and her, I moved back with my parents... All my friends left me, so yes, it's been pretty hard. But it's worth it when I see her smile.”

"I'm sorry you had to go through this alone. If you allow me, I want to be in her life. I want to help you."

"That will be great, actually," you smile.

[guardianspirits13]

I wanna talk about Natsuo Todoroki for a second here.

tw// mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide

Natsuo visibly has the most emotional trauma out of anyone else in his family (Touya not included), and I really wanna talk about why that is.

For starters, we haven't seen him really smile since he was introduced in chapter 187. He's introduced as having a friendly, easygoing persona and it's easy to imagine this is how most people outside of his family know him. However, every time we see him appear since then, another layer of his trauma is revealed and expanded upon, and it cuts DEEP.

I think the main reason that Natsuo still seems so vulnerable compared to the rest of his family is different than what you'd assume. Fuyumi and Shouto both spend a lot of time around Endeavor, and have been in close proximity to his (relatively recent) decision to atone. They have seen his growth firsthand and come to terms with it. Rei has obviously taken a very different path to healing- not entirely voluntarily- but she has been working with doctors and therapists for years to change and recover and reconnect with herself and her children. Natsuo is off at college, and takes every opportunity he can to avoid Endeavor. He (understandably) wants nothing to do with him, and shows stagnant resistance to his attempts to atone.

The reason why Natsuo can't move on from the past is because his trauma didn't come from Endeavor. It came from Touya.

Now initially we were led to believe that it was simply Touya's untimely death that still bothers Natsuo, and it makes sense seeing how Endeavor drove him to the edge. Losing his best friend and brother as a young kid without parents to support him or any therapist to speak of can absolutely been the source of persistent emotional damage, but the more and more we learn about Touya's situation, the more evident it becomes that Natsuo's trauma is much much deeper than even grief.

Touya, as we know, was driven by an ambition instilled in him by his father and experienced extreme rejection sensitivity when those ambitions were no longer realistic. Touya's relationship with his parents could be described as insecure attachment, a psychological term primarily regarding how kids react and respond to their parents and other close relationships. As he was raised, Touya learned to equate his potential to be a hero with his personal worth and similarly confounded attention with love. The difference being, of course, that love is unconditional, but even attention was being continually directed away from him as a punishment for continuing to train and burn himself so he could once again become worthy in his fathers' eyes.

This is where Natsuo comes in. At first it was assumed that all of the Todoroki children were born out of Endeavor's strong-willed desire to have a child that could surpass All Might, but we learned that this isn't exactly the case. I'd argue that it was narratively poetic on Horikoshi's part once this was expanded upon. Fuyumi was born to support and encourage her brother, and that is the exact role she plays 23 years later, keeping her family together.

Natsuo's case is even more intersting.

It was bad enough if Natsuo was only born for the potential of his quirk, but it's even more sinister that the sole intent behind his birth was to discourage Touya from his ambitions. I'd say it was to replace him, but it was more to promote the idea that Touya was expendable than to raise aonther kid with the same ideals but the potential to actually achieve it, although that was definitely a secondary motivation.

The parallelism in this is how much Natsuo's life revolves around Touya. He was born because of Touya, he looked up to and took care of Touya as a kid, and the absence of Touya in the present continues to drive him and his decisions in life (but more on that later).

I continue to pray that we will eventually get more solid backstory on Natsuo and Touya's relationship as kids and where it cut off, wether on a bad note or not, but there are a few things we know for certain. One, Touya was mentally ill. Yes, he was rejected by his parents but he seems to have been particularly vulnerable to this compared to any of his siblings since he was the first of them and thus relied only on his parents for validation in his early years. He shows early signs of a variety of different mental disorders, particularly BPD, which I have previously written a whole analysis for on its own. Touya is shown self-harming both by the very nature of his quirk and even by very directly ripping his hair out. He was incredibly self-destructive.

This is why it is so much more concerning to me that Natsuo, who was AT LEAST four years younger than him, was his primary source of comfort. Natsuo was too young to have known anything more than 'my big brother is sad that daddy won't train him anymore' and he obviously wasn't equipped in any way to handle Touya's severe mental illness. Touya most definitely needed professional treaatment as his forms of coping were abnormal even for the neglect and rejection that he experienced. Natsuo comforted Touya through breakdown after breakdown, and more than that Touya relied on him and came to him voluntarily for support. Natsuo was the best option he had, and he took full advantage of that. The main source of Natsuo's trauma was Touya's reliance on him.

Not to say at all that this was in any way Touya's fault- he was mentally ill and desperately in need of some form of comfort to keep him sane; it was almost a survival method at this point since neither of his parents really acknowleged him at all anymore. Touya's instability hurt Natsuo more than parental neglect ever did, but it was the neglect that enabled it and striped Touya of the supportive atmosphere he would have needed at this point not only to prevent but to heal from the mental damage he had already suffered.

Natsuo dealt with this for years and you can see how much it hurt him to see Touya in so much pain, not only from Endeavor's rejection but from his own self harm as well. For Natuso to know that his brotherly love would never be the same as having loving parents; would neve be enough- but at least it was something so he continued to love and care about his brother for little in return- is indicative of the kind of character he is.

(Edit: After the events of chapter 302 we know that Natsuo's relationship with Touya wasn't perfect. I will elaborate more on this in a different post, but I just wanted to clarify that although we were shown a very high-tension scene between them, it is implied that this was a regular occurrence that Natsuo was usually more receptive too but tired out of, in addition to Touya's spiraling mental health. It fit with the natrative to show the tension Touya was feeling with his family from all directions, but Natsu and Touya clearly had a stronger relationship up to and before this point, evidenced by their sharing a room and playing together regularly.)

He is incredibly selfless, and it's interesting to note how many of his positive qualities as an adult stem from negative experiences as a kid. He never really felt love from his parents, so he relied on Touya (and likely also Fuyumi) for that as well. If he grew up learning he had to give love in order to recieve it back, it absolutely influenced who he became in the future, a solid example of this being the responsibility he feels to reach out and have a relationship with Shouto and further regrets that he wasn't able to help his abuse in the past either. Another aspect of his character that intruigues me is how gentle he is. Personality-wise he seems about as opposite as he could be from the awkward, stoic, emotionally-stunted person that is Endeavor.

There are a couple of reasons for this, beyond what I've already discussed.

One, he had little to no contact with elements of toxic masculinity growing up, especially not from Endeavor.

Two, most of the influence he did have growing up was from Fuyumi, who is established to have endlessly cared for him since he was a literal baby.

Three, he grew up in a household where almost everyone around him was in much more literal, immediate pain than he was so he developed a very strong sense of empathy that might also have been tied to early survivor's guilt.

Now I have one important distinction to make, and that's the temptation to label him as a 'softboy' or something of the like after seeing him caring for his family and more pointedly, watching him break down in tears during chapter 252. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with men being soft or vulnerable (on the contrary it's actually so so important and relevant that Hori is writing characters like this in a mainstream shounen manga but that's an essay for another time), it is unfair to label him as such based on a moment when his trauma is being exposed.

Because his truama stems from such a young age, there is a blurry line between just being born with more emotional intelligence and the situation he was in fostering those traits. You know, the classic nature/nurture thing. My point being, it's important to tread carefully when discussing the nature of his personality to avoid invalidating his trauma; I have no doubt that he is very strong for having survived these things, and the moments we see of him onscreen are definitely among his most vulnerable.

Another thing that people less familiar with Natsuo's character might assume is that he is hot-headed and argumentative. I thought that at first too- after all, he doesn't seem to shy away from yelling at Endeavor when given the opportunity. However, this doesn't seem to be the case at all.

The first real scene we see him in with Endeavor, the man walks into the room and Natsuo decides he can't handle it and goes to leave. However, Endeavor happens to be blocking the doorway. Endeavor physically stops him and provokes him to his face, asking him to say whatever is on him mind. While Natsuo is notably not confrontational, Endeavor is. I think it's fair to say that he felt at least uneasy at this gesture. Natsuo is very honest with his feelings, and it's obvious that he's pissed at the audacity of Endeavor to be so oblivious to his own son. This is presumably one of the first real interactions they've ever really had, and at this point Natsuo has been dealing with trauma (caused by Endeavor!) on his own for years, and Endeavor seems completely oblivious to his pain and dismmisive to the rest of the family's as well.

Again during the internship arc Natsuo tries to get along with Endeavor and this time he actually gives it a fleeting chance. Tensions are high, however, and the conversation very quickly becomes uncomfortable, at which point he leaves. It is continually implied that Natsuo is uncomfortable being around Endeavor because his very presence brings up painful thoughts and memories of a time when sharing the same space as him was a warning to run and hide. This is later directly confirmed by Natsuo as he says that every time he looks at Endeavor's face he remembers Touya and the pain he was in.

I feel like an important side note is that we have never seen Natsuo outside the context of his family, which is understandable, as the role he plays in the story directly relates to them. However, if you take a look at Shouto, even though his experiences have shaped him to become who he is, he definitely acts differently when Endeavor's not in the vicinity.

Back to Touya's death, it would be very rare that someone would mourn a death for an entire decade without finding closure unless there are other factors preventing it, and uncomfortably this seems to be the same thing for both Natsuo and Endeavor: guilt.

This is getting incredibly long already, but it's important to note that Natsuo probably felt an incredible responsibility to take care of Touya and protect him because of his empathetic nature. His love was never going to be the same as having loving parents. His encouragement was never going to be the same as having support from Endeavor. Even further than then neglect and abandonement, it was not being able to save Touya that really made Natsuo feel worthless.

He seems to try and remedy this inability to save Touya and diminish his guilt by doing everything he can to be better. He reaches out to Shouto to be a better brother, he consistently pushes his limits to entertain Fuyumi's notion of a happy family, and he's working hard towards a degree rhat will allow him to help people like Touya (and Rei) because he failed to do so in the past.

His bio mildly implies that he didn't have much of a direction he was heading in after high school, but Fuyumi's encouragement led him to seek out his current college career. This goes back to Natsuo's 'purpose' in a sense revolving arount Touya, from his birth to his relationship with him to his death, after which he lost his direction. They were always rather inseperable, so naturally their seperation hit Natsuo hard. He lost his direction in life so when Fuyumi encouraged him to rediscover it, he thought of helping people, because that's ultimately what he was born to do.

Thank you so, so much for reading this if you made it to the end! I clearly have a lot of thoughts on this. Let me know what you think about it as well, and hopefully we'll get more info on this soon in the manga :)

[imasimpforshanks]

Hi there!

I hope you're doing great. Ehm... May I requests Law for either the romantic or the Angst alphabet? I just can't decide that and would like you to choose from it.

I'm really looking forward to your work. Other than that have a nice day/eve. ♡

Fluff Alphabet - Trafalgar Law

a/n: hi there!!! thank you for requesting and for your kind words 💓 I chose the fluff alphabet because our man has suffered enough and I couldn’t handle writing out angst for him 🙃 ANWAYSSSS pls enjoy x

A-Activities (what do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?)

During the little free time he has, Law loves to spend it with you doing anything lowkey. He’s usually pretty exhausted from everything going on, so taking some time to wind down and read a good book with you tucked him next to him reading you’re a book of your own is his ideal way to spend time with you.

That being said, if you are a person who prefers to do something active, Law won’t say no to that (so long as it’s not Luffy level active).

B-Beauty (what do they admire about their s/o? what do they think is beautiful about them?)

Law admires your way of thinking. You always seem to bring a fresh, unique perspective and now he can’t help but ask for your input on everything. This is also what he finds the most beautiful about you. He’s never been one to care that much about what is on the outside. To Law, it’s what is on the inside that counts (who knew law was so cliché;)). Your mind and the way it works is a wonder to behold and Law counts himself very lucky that he is the one that gets to see you in action the most.

C-Comfort (how would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?)

Law takes a very pragmatic approach when it comes to comforting his s/o. He’s a doctor, so its only natural for him to think in this way. He asks you directly what’s wrong and how he could help – it’s the most logical thing to do and the quickest way to ensure you are feeling comforted.

D-Dreams (how do they picture the future with their s/o?)

In the future Law wants to live a simple, quiet life with you. Somewhere secluded and far away from all the noise and chaos of the world. You’ll live in a nice house (nothing too fancy), with a child or two running around acting out their parents’ infamous pirate adventures.

E-Equal (are they the dominant one in the relationship or rather passive?)

He tends to take the more dominant role in the relationship. For the sake of your safety and his sanity, he prefers to be the one to take charge with you following his lead. But, he does still value your input in almost all decisions.

F-Fight (would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?)

Your fights tend to be pretty short lived resulting in forgiveness and apologies from both sides relatively quickly. He really doesn’t like to stay mad at you for too long – he’d much rather have you two on the same page.

Most fights are caused by stress and concerns of health and safety, so Law does a lot of eye rolling and using his title as a ‘doctor’ as justification that he knows what he’s doing so you just need to chill – but like I said these fights are very short lived.

G-Gratitude (how grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?)

Before he met you, Law’s life was very dull. Yes, he has his fair share of adventures and fun with his crew, but there was something missing from his life. But then you came along, bringing a little more colour into his life. Instead of being exhausted and tense from dealing with everything alone, you forced your way in and pried him open, allowing him to share his burdens. For that, Law is eternally grateful.

H-Honesty (do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?)

Initially, Law tried to hide quite a lot. He was very selective about the information he shared with you. It’s not that he didn’t trust you, he just struggled to share things with others – his past has made him very closed off. But, before he knew it you managed to weasel your way in, and soon he found himself confiding in you about everything. The only time he ever keeps a secret is if knowing it will jeopardize your safety.

I-Inspiration (did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?)

I touched on this a little bit before, but you were able to teach Law the relief and comfort that comes with trusting and relying on others. Because of you, he was able to learn that its important to not deal with everything on your own.

J-Jealousy (do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?).

It’s not often that Law gets jealous. It’s an ugly emotion, plus he feels no need to be jealous since he trust you with his whole heart. However, if he was to get jealous, he is definitely the quiet jealous type. His fists clench a little tighter, his frown deepens ever so slightly, and he just doesn’t speak. He doesn’t ignore you though, rather he chooses to curt replies until he eventually gets over it or if it’s really bothering him he may bring it up with you.

K-Kisses (are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?).

He is a very inexperienced kisser, not having (or wanting) many romantic relationships in his past. Even so, he’s surprisingly not horrible (but not great either) at kissing. Maybe it has something to do with his deep knowledge and understanding of the way the human body works. Unfortunately, during your first kiss he tried to rely a little too much on his ‘knowledge’ rather than melting in to it. It wasn’t a horrible first kiss, it just felt a little stiff. The desire was there, but it was as if he were afraid to give in to the emotions he was feeling and reading your signals. However, after a little communication and guidance he’s now an expert.

L-Love confession (how would they confess to their s/o?)

It was in the heat of the moment after you had done something completely and utterly stupid, that almost cost you your life. He wasn’t intending on doing it right then and there, in fact he actually had a whole plan of how and when he was going to tell you how he felt. But seeing you lying in the infirmary after having to operate on you was more than he could handle and before he knew it the words just slipped out.

M-Marriage (do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?)

Marriage is indeed something Law wants. You wouldn’t expect it but after you two officially got together, it wasn’t more than a month before Law started thinking about marriage. He knows now isn’t the time for marriage, but it’s definitely in his plans for the next few years or so.

His proposal is going to be low key. The two of you would have to be alone with no other people around – maybe while you two are lying in bed one night, he just pops the question. And as with the proposal, your wedding would also be low key. No big party or ceremony, just you two and the people closest to you (bepo definitely officiates).

N-Nicknames (what do they call their s/o?)

‘Babe’ or your name are his usual choices for when you are around other people. But occasionally when he’s on the verge of falling asleep he’ll let out a yawn followed by a sleepy “babyyyy”.

O-On cloud nine (what are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?)

When Law is in love he tends to keep his cool and collected façade. But on the inside he’s a babbling, nervous mess. He doesn’t do anything particularly out of the ordinary other than making a bit more of an attempt at conversing with you. He loves hearing you talk and rambling on about things you’re passionate about so he does try to find any excuse to talk to you.

P-PDA (are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?)

PDA is something Law isn’t the biggest fan of. He’ll stand next to you and be in close proximity while sharing a few glances, but other than that he won’t engage in PDA. Law considers that sort of thing to be private and intimate so he likes to keep it between the two of you. Occasionally, if you are feeling a little extra needy he may give in to a quick hug or forehead kiss.

Q-Quirk (some random ability they have that is beneficial in a relationship?)

It may not come as that much of a surprise but, Law can make one hell of a cup of coffee (actually any hot drink really). His perfect brew definitely comes in handy.

R-Romance (how romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?)

Oh boy, he is way more romantic than anyone would ever realize. He loves doing little things for you just to see that sweet smile on your face. It makes his heart swell with happiness.

S-Support (are they helping their s/o achieve their goals do they believe in them?)

Rather than being the consistently positive support, Law provides you with constructive criticism and things that can actively help you achieve your goals. He’s a realist, so doesn’t think only saying “you can do it” or “it’s only a minor setback” is the way to go. He still says those things because they are true – Law honestly believes you can do whatever you set your mind to, however, constructive criticism is needed in addition to this.

The key take away here is: YES. Law believes you can achieve all your hopes and dreams.

T-Thrill (do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship or do they prefer certain routine?)

Law needs routine, especially in your relationship. You have continued doing the same things in your relationship since you first got together because it works. Why would he want to change what works? It’s safe, it’s familiar, and it’s comfortable.

That being said, he’s not opposed to the idea of spicing things up. If you ever felt like trying something new (or even if he starts to feel bored about something), he would be open to the idea. Who knows, maybe the new thing you try could even become a part of your routine.

U-Understanding (how good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?)

It’s no surprise that he is very adept at reading people, he’s on to it and has exceptional observation skills. He uses these skills with you as well.

He knows what it’s like to be consumed by emotions (in fact he knows that too well), and while with most, he’s the type to keep his emotions hidden, when it comes to you he shares his emotions to help you realize that he also knows how it feels and that you are not alone.

V-Value (how important is the relationship to them? What is its worth in comparison to other things in their life?).

Your relationship is a top priority in his life. He’s lost everyone he ever cares about (other than his crew) and there is no way he is going to lose you too. The only thing that may potentially rival your relationship is his goal of taking revenge on Doflamingo.

W-Wild card (a random fluff headcanon?)

There’s nothing he loves more than you running your hands through his hair while his head is on your chest or stomach. He automatically leans into your hand every time. He feels the safest in this position.

X-XOXO (Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?)

Like I said before, he is affectionate but it’s mainly when the two of you are alone. Those displays of affection are for the two of you and no one else. But, when the two of you are alone he absolutely loves cuddles (especially lying with his head on your lap or chest).

Y- Yearning (how will they cope when they are missing their partner?)

He gets stressed when you’re not around for more than one reason. Firstly, you can’t help to calm him down and force him to take a breather. Secondly, he’s constantly worried about your safety and wellbeing.

Honestly, the only way he copes with it is by stressing (I know it’s not coping at all but I mean that’s Law for you LMAO).

Z-Zeal (are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind?)

Law would put his life on the line for your relationship. He doesn’t want to lose someone he cares about – not again. He can’t handle that sort of pain, so if it was required of him, he would gladly give his life.

[arbythel117]

Come For A Walk - A Prompt Fill

This was a prompt from @faerhardyn-the-raging-ethereal :) Thanks for it, and sorry it took me so long to finish it ❤

Prompt: Thel notices the subtle shaking in John’s hands as he watches him converse to Blue Team and Halsey. He notices the shaking even when the Spartan thinks that not all attention is on him. Thel knows the man is hurting so when the sun is down on Sanghelios he searches for the man, to converse and comfort him.

---

The more time Thel spent around the Spartan, the more he learned about his subtle gestures and body language. The way he subtly tilts his head when he’s listening closely to others, that even though he’s stood straight that he’s relaxed, or how he communicates with his teammates with a lot of hand signals Thel had learned over time what they had meant. John had taught him what a Spartan smile was, because it couldn’t be seen under the tinted visors they wore, and that had been a groundbreaking moment for their relationship, drawing them ever closer to each other. Sometimes, Thel returned the gesture.

The one thing he noticed about John over anything else though, was how much his hands always just barely shook.

He couldn’t recall if it was always like that when they had first met, he was never too focused on the Spartan back then, only trying to keep peace with him and their mutual allies after leaving the Covenant, but as they grew together, he began to notice it. From just watching him walk around, to when he’s relaxed or eating. The only time Thel hasn’t seen it happen is when John was on the battlefield. The man was always fully focused, and his aim steady and true, unwavering.

Thel didn’t know if it was just nerves causing it, from excitement of the next mission, or his feelings, which he believed to be the more likely case. He needed to get John alone sometime and talk to him about it. He wasn’t even sure John was aware he did it.

He could see it again now, from where he was working, overlooking a balcony in his Keep, seeing John and his team with Halsey just a distance away outside.

He quite liked the Blue Team, and they were quick to accept the blooming relationship between him and John, if a bit skeptical at first. Kelly always seemed to be the most laid back of them, and he could see it now, the way she casually leaned against a tall boulder. Fred was second in command, a bit more serious, having his armored arms crossed over his chest. Linda never spoke much, very similar to John in that regard, but she was always one to get straight to the point when it mattered. She stood there with her sniper rifle in hand that he had never seen her without. It had freaked out many Sangheili originally when they had first come to Thel’s planet, but quickly learned she wasn’t a threat at all. He assumed it was something that made her feel safe on what was an unknown planet to her, surrounded by who used to be enemies.

And then there was John. The human had his back turned to him, standing straight as he usually did, but it was clear he was comfortable in the presence of his team and the doctor. Despite it, with his arms hanging at his sides, his hands shook. But almost as if John had sensed him watching, those same hands clenched into fists mere moments later to stop it.

Thel only watched for a few more seconds before letting out a sigh, and turning, seeing Rtas looking at him. They were working together on some of their Keeps paperwork before the former got distracted by the Spartan.

“You are worried about him.” Rtas commented, speaking in their native tongue, concern present in his orange colored eyes.

Thel was quiet, his mandibles shut closed, before he slowly nodded his head and let it hang slightly. “Yes.” He answered, then looked back out at Blue Team. He didn’t know what they were speaking about, most stuff was classified between them but sometimes John told the Sangheili about it. “He’s been through too much recently. I can see he keeps everything bottled inside.” Thel said.

The most recent event the Spartan had to endure through was losing Cortana. She had been a best friend to him, someone the Spartan could rely on through thick and thin until she became rampant. John had to personally put her down, he refused to let anyone else touch her, and Thel could tell it had affected him a lot. The way the other had been more withdrawn than usual lately, more quietly spoken or not speaking at all. He’s been hurting.

“You should speak to him.” Rtas said, putting a clawed, four-fingered hand on the other’s shoulder. “I can tell it has been affecting you as well.”

Thel looked Rtas in the eyes, a quiet falling over them both. He worked his mandibles as though in search of the right words, and then nodded. “I will tonight. At sundown.” He promised.

“Good.” Rtas gave him a half-jawed Sangheili smile. “It will be good for you both.” Squeezing his shoulder and standing up, he went over to the balcony doors and shut the curtains, blocking out the sun and the view of the Spartan team outside for Thel’s sake. “Let us get back to work.” He said, sitting down across the other Sangheili again, delving back into paperwork with him.

***

It wasn’t difficult to find the Spartan. The Sangheili had offered them their training grounds to use whenever they felt like it, and in fact, many of the Sangheili loved training with and against them as the Spartans made formidable opponents and trainers. Many of the young ones still had yet to best them in a fight, and it only made them fight harder to defend their still growing honor. It was a good lesson for them.

To find John here though, at the time of night it was, with the sun nearly set over the horizon, was a bit unusual. He would normally have called it a night already and turned in and Thel wouldn’t see him again until the next morning. But entering the grounds, Thel could see him sparring in hand-to-hand combat with his teammate, Kelly. They looked to be on equal footing aside from Kelly dodging and moving from attacks a bit quicker. She was the first one to notice Thel, and John had taken the opportunity of her distraction to knock her off her nimble feet.

“Oof, hey,” She complained after she landed, and gestured towards the Sangheili. “Looks like there’s someone here for you, John.”

“I hope I am not interrupting.” Thel apologized, walking closer towards the pair.

“No,” John said, shaking his head. “Not at all. Do you need something?” He asked, and again, Thel could see that slight tilt of his head as he asked.

“I would like to walk with you.” He requested, and glanced at the female Spartan. “If that is alright with you.” When Kelly just shrugged her shoulders indifferently, he looked back at John expectantly.

“Sure.” John replied. Turning to Kelly, “Let the team know I’ll turn in late tonight. Don’t worry about me.” He said and began to walk towards the exit of the training grounds. Thel followed just a step behind.

Only moments later, Thel could have sworn if looks could kill just from a helmet visor, they would have, as John had suddenly turned and stared down Kelly for a few seconds while she waved innocently back at him.

***

The nights of Sanghelios were quiet, and always lit up. The only sounds that broke the quiet were the rushing of the nearby rivers, and the sounds of their footsteps and occasionally the scurrying of the nocturnal animals coming out for the night. Overhead the aurora shone bright, dancing in blues and greens, along with the two moons of Sanghelios. The planet truly did feel like a different place at night than the busyness the day brought.

John and Thel walked side by side for a distance away from their homes, in a comfortable silence, almost seeming to not really have any destination in mind of where they were going as Thel lead them down a winding path through the mountains with the double moons lighting their way.

As discreetly as the Sangheili could, Thel looked down at John’s hand closest to him. It was shaking ever so slightly again as they walked. He let out a silent sigh through his nose, and imitating what he had seen humans close to each other do and threaded his fingers between John’s armored ones, holding his hand.

It wasn’t practical for him, it was uncomfortable a bit actually, with how his hands were made compared to the human’s and being slightly larger, but he did it for the comfort of the other. John’s hand had reflexively almost pulled away, but remained locked when his visored eyes met Thel’s amber ones.

“Sorry,” Thel apologized quietly, “I hope this is okay.”

It took a few moments before John nodded. “Yeah...” He breathed out, “Yeah, it’s okay.”

“Good.” Thel replied, leaving them in silence together for a bit longer as they walked, hand in hand. Though the armor was cold in the night air, he could swear he felt warmth emanating from the Spartan’s hand that was more relaxed now, unshaking.

“Why-“

“I-“

John was the first to break their silence after a while, only to have himself cut off as Thel began to speak at the same time.

“My apologies.” Thel apologized quickly after the few moments of them realizing they tried to speak at the same time. “You first.”

“Uh, right,” The Spartan said, a bit flustered now, “Why bring me out here?” He asked curiously, tilting his head slightly. Though he could appreciate the view of the double moons, the rising stars, the aurora, the view the mountains gave at night, standing tall around them and casting dark shadows, he knew there had to be a reason beyond that that the Arbiter had requested him along.

“I was concerned.” Thel answered, and looked up at the sky. “Maybe it is not my place,” He said, then looking back at John, “but I thought you seemed like you could use a friend.” He said, then added more softly, “Are you okay?”

John suddenly came to a stop, causing Thel to stop, surprised, as he stiffened, and gently pulled his hand out from Thel’s own. The absence of John’s hand in Thel’s own was immediately missed by him, but the Sangheili didn’t protest, only tightened his closed mandibles in response. To John, he didn’t know where this was coming from. He didn’t believe he gave off any indication to cause any worry. He always kept everything bottled up tightly, never to be seen by anyone, put on a facade that everything was okay and that he was okay, yet Thel, ever so seemingly observant, had noticed he truly wasn’t okay. Sure, his team knew about his pain and his grief, his depression, but they never spoke much of it, just living life as it came, and no one else outside of them knew what he was going through.

Thel was the first one to ask him, outside of Blue Team, if he was okay. It was such a simple thing, yet it meant so much to him. That someone outside of what he considered family cared.

And he wasn’t prepared for the surge of emotions that brought forth in him that he would usually only let out if he was completely alone. The sudden stinging of his eyes that he only wanted to rub to stop tears from spilling over, the lump in his throat as he tried to come up with some response for Thel, only for nothing to be able to come out.

John was suddenly thankful for the helmet he wore over his head, hiding the raw emotions that crossed his face from the other.

Thel gently took both the Spartan’s hands into his again, as they began shaking uncontrollably with the sudden emotions. Though his hands had armored pads over the top of them, it didn’t stop Thel from rubbing his thumbs over top of them simultaneously. He would give him the time he needed to respond while also letting him know he was here for him.

When a single shake of a head was the only response Thel got back after a couple minutes, it was all he needed to hear from the other, not expecting more beyond that tonight. Thel got the closure he needed, and they could work on it together in the future, opening up to each other. “I will be the ears to listen when you need it.” He promised, willing to go at John’s pace.

And John was also thankful for Thel. The other was present for many of the things he’d gone through recently, he was someone who could likely understand him the most. He was glad to have been gradually becoming closer to the Sangheili.

He shared his silent thanks by giving Thel’s hands a couple of light squeezes, comforted by the squeeze he received back.

Drabble 01

[aspiringharlot]

y/n takes takes care of bratty, sub, shiggy.

Ok! Eeeee! I did it! First y/n and first BNHA story done! This one is about a bratty sub Shiggy! There are some points where it’s clear I wasn’t sure what a bratty sub Shigaraki would say but hopefully overtime as I become more familiar with the characters that will change! I think I did this one pretty quickly so, forgive me, there are probably a few mistakes in terms of tense and grammar that I didn’t catch. Another little thing, this story ended up a lot fluffier/mild than I thought I was capable of and I even ended up dropping an L-bomb!

(Story Includes, mention of injury and bullet wounds, bondage elements, brat elements, l-bomb, sneak peek of little spoon Shiggy and of course, sex )

(minors please do not interact)

(tagging @palbabor-writes and @kugutsuu cause they seemed interested, p.s. don’t worry @palbabor-writes public sex and degradation Hawks is up next!)

EDIT: adding @tod0oki to the tags, happy to have you!

Enjoy!

It was hard work, keeping Tomura Shigaraki in line. Sure, you allowed him control on most days, heaven knows he needed to feel some sense of control in his life, but really there was no doubt, at the end of the day, you made the decisions in the relationship. That never stopped your Shiggy from being a brat though.

Today was just as bad as any other day wrangling your lover, only this time with the added difficulty of having to literally prevent Shigaraki from moving as he pleased. Hesitant as you were to admit it, you did not possess the brute strength required for the task. Instead you relied on a sly trick. Tying him up in bondage gear which was typically used on you.

When he was finally secured, Shigaraki whined, pulling at the restraints. Around his narrow wrists were sturdy leather straps, fitted tightly and anchored to the metal bed posts in order to restrict his movements. Your lover was red faced, lying down on his bed, dirty sheets bunched around his sweating form.

‘I should change those out soon,’ you thought before returning your attention to Tomura.

“oh, Tomura, come on… if you refuse to rest Kurogiri and I are just going to keep you tied up longer.” You lowered yourself to sit beside him on the full-sized bed, moving your hand to his head and smoothing his hair down.

Shigaraki grunted, shaking his head out of your hand in defiance. You scowled down at him.

“You know, for a man who’s been shot four times you have far too much energy.” Swiftly you stood up, dusting crumbs of food from your jeans. You really should change those sheets out… If you wait much longer there’ll be an ecosystem thriving in the cotton threads. Meh, you’ll work on it later when Shigaraki is asleep and infinitely more manageable.

Come to think of it, you should change his bandages soon. Kurogiri or the others weren’t around to do it this time, meaning you’d have to tame the beast all by yourself.

“ts.” You clicked your tongue. “I’ll be back,”

You exited the room without giving Shigaraki the chance to retort, heading straight for the kitchen cabinet responsible for holding the everyday vitamin and mineral supplements you’d feed Shigaraki. Now, however, you rummaged past the gummy vitamins, searching for a bottle of Nyquil. Upon its acquisition you turned back on your heel making your way to the bedroom your lover was restrained in. You stopped in the bathroom on your way back, collecting a pair of cosmetic scissors and gauze amongst other wound supplies. As you balanced all the items in your arms you could hear a distinct clanking noise. The noise of the restrains being tested and fought against.

You came back into the room with a sigh, looking at Tomura with dead and unamused eyes. He was fruitlessly trying to decay the leather wrapped around him, his own wrist disallowing the angle to make such a thing possible.

“Could you just, I don’t know… cooperate? Maybe, allow yourself some time to heal so you get better faster?” The eye contact you made with Shigaraki was aggressive. Testy. He smiled, curling his upper lip into a sneer.

“Make me.” He taunted.

You could see the thoughts behind his eyes. His exact line of thinking. ‘What’s y/n gonna do? Put me in time out? Make me stay in here an extra hour so I think about what I’ve done?’

In frustration you made a low noise in the back of your throat- the past two days have been utter hell. First the League’s failure at that dumb hero thing and more importantly, the four bullet wounds permeating your lover. Then there was the 12 hours you spent waiting for an underground doctor to come and dig the lead out of Shigaraki’s skin. That was 12 hours of relentless worry you had to deal with! And now, for the past day and a half you’ve had to deal with Tomura’s mood swings.

Now, it wasn’t that you didn’t understand. You were aware of the crushing feeling of personal failure which came with a train wreck you conducted. Still, you were willing to wait on Shiggy hand and foot, your only request that he allow you to take control and make him better.

But he just had to keep fighting you. Making you take drastic measures.

Your attention is caught up by the straps holding Shigaraki down, reminding you of the nights he would fuck you hard and rough, making you gasp in unrelenting pleasure. When he was done, you’d always be like putty in his hands, laying there blissfully exhausted and compliant. You curl your lips into a grinch-like smile. Of course. There was your ticket to Shigaraki’s submission.

You just have to fuck the fight out of him.

“Okay.” You finally said, nodding your head nonchalantly. “Okay. I’ll make you.” Calmly you set the supplies you gathered on the dresser top across from the bed, keeping only the scissors in your hand.

Coming up to the side of the bed you gave the scissors a few experimental snips, the metal making a distinct phip sound.

Shigaraki pressed himself back into the mattress, raising a scarred eyebrow up when you traced the scissor across the gray cotton t shirt. That single eyebrow multiplied into two as you took the scissors to begin cutting through his shirt.

Shigaraki started to squirm as he felt the cool, stale air of his room settle on his skin.

“What are you-“ you paused your delicate snipping to roughly grab the bottom half of his face in your hand, squeezing him to make his mouth fall open and halt his speaking.

“I’m making you cooperate…” You roughly released his face.

Ignoring his continued struggling, you went back to cutting his shirt open, until you were able to peel it off his body- the sweatpants he wore were next though you were hesitant to cut them. They were a grey pair which hung deliciously low on his hips and slid down lower and lower throughout the day. You decided against cutting them, instead shimmying them down to sit close to his shins. His underwear though, that was fair game. You took it off eagerly and drank in the sight of Shigaraki naked before you.

He was pale, still recovering from the blood loss he’d endured only two days prior, and his skin seemed especially swallow- giving off the appearance of fragility. You knew better however- Shigaraki, as weak as he may seem by appearance alone, was a force of nature.

Today you were making your way to the eye of the storm.

“Is getting me naked supposed to make me listen to you?” Tomura asked, his eyes narrowed to cynical slits.

“No… hah.” You let out a breathless laugh. “But this will.”

You were down between his knees in an instant, breathing hot breath over Shiggy’s cock. Before Shigaraki could fully process what you were doing, he’s hard, not that that was unusual, your lover was an easy guy to excite. Still, despite his nudity, he was not expecting this kind of attention, especially after being such a brat.

You were gentle at first, getting his cock used to the stimulation, stroking it languidly, licking at the slit of his cock a few times. You shuddered in satisfaction when you made your way down to his balls and heard him sigh in pleasure at the sensation of your warm tongue lapping at each testicle. Still, you knew better than to think a simple blow job would tame Tomura Shigaraki, successor of All For One.

For now, as you pleased him, he’d act all bashful but, as soon as you exert full control over the pacing of this intimate encounter, he’d start bratting again. When that happens, you’ll just have to take things to eleven.

“Ohh… fuck…” with a jolt, Shiggy thrust his hips up into your soft hand. To him, the pleasure was a most welcome distraction to the sharp aches of the bullet wounds scattered across his body. He’d been playing stoic about the pain for the past two days, but the wounds felt like hot agony for most of the day. He needed this pleasure.

“Your uh, your mouth.” He said, pinching his eyes up in pleasure. “y/n use your mouth on my cock.”

Immediately you ceased all contact with him. His eyes flew open.

“No.” you said with a shrug.  

Shigaraki scrunched up his eyebrows and wiggled his hips childishly, making his cock swing like a metronome. “Yes!”

You firmly locked your hands on his hips, stilling the movement, “No.”

“W- Why? “ he whined. “Why aren’t you rubbing my cock anymore?” his voice pitched up, revealing how badly he wanted to feel your touch.

“Well,” You start. “You haven’t been very cooperative with me. I mean, why should you make all the decisions? Why do you get to dictate both what you do and what I do, Hmm? That doesn’t seem very fair.” Your own voice took on a condescending lilt and you tilted his head up with your finger so you could properly look into his eyes. His pupils were blown wide with lust and along his temple you could faintly see a pulse point pumping blood in time with the throbbing of his erection.

He wanted it. Bad.

“Let me take care of you, just leave everything to me…” you brought yourself down to his level to softly mutter in his ear. “You won’t regret it, I promise.”

You didn’t have to wait for his response to know what he was going to say.

“Suck my cock, now.” He growled.

You took a deep breath and pulled your own shirt off over your head, not as you normally would, but as women do in tv and movies, all in one fluid motion. Your jeans were next, as you slid them off your bare legs, your panties joining them on the floor moments later.

With the grace of a swan you climbed over Shigaraki, positioning yourself on your hands and knees as you backed yourself up to his face.

“Oh so now y/n’s gonna be a big, strong, woman and make me- mhfmfmfm!” You grinded your pussy against his face, enjoying the psychological pleasure more than the physical. Grinding your labia against any ole thing wouldn’t really do it for you- but knowing that Tomura could barely breathe around your pussy as it sat right on his face gave you butterflies and made your hole start to gush.

“There you go… Good Boy…” You panted. Finally you pulled yourself away from Tomura’s mouth and flipped around, now straddling him cowgirl. In seconds, your hand wrapped around his member and positioned it to slide right in your hole. You sat down and took in the shocked, but pleasure-ridden face of Tomura.

You started to grind your hips down and bounce experimentally. In the past, the two of you have refrained from cowgirl, Shigaraki always wanting to hold full control over the action of fucking your pussy. As he laid back and felt his toes start to curl and twitch in pleasure he wondered if he was an idiot.

“See, Tomura~” you cooed as you leaned down, dangling your clothed breasts in his face. “Wasn’t my course of action so much better? Now you get to feel my wet pussy against your cock, isn’t that so much better?”

At a loss for words Shigaraki nodded his head frantically. He was already close. You smiled.

“So does that mean you’re gonna listen to me? Cooperate and do what I say?” that particular phrasing removed him from his headspace of ecstatic compliance.

“Nuh- No!” he choked out as you bounce faster and harder. Shigaraki started gasping and clenching his eyes shut, trying to block out the pleasure to last longer.

“Yes~ you’re gonna give in to me, Tomu-”

“Nu- oh fuck!”  he shook his head before tensing up, his whole body becoming stiff underneath you as you felt three hot spurts of cum fill your pussy. You chuckled, you didn’t even have to clench down on his cock to make him come, just the sensation of you bouncing on his cock was enough.

You stilled yourself as he laid under you, gauging his reaction to the orgasm.

He was flushed, and still panting heavily, meaning he came pretty hard. You clench down as his sensitive cock remains in your pussy and giggled when he let out a high pitched keen.

“So, are you gonna be good now? Are you gonna stay in bed for me?” Shigaraki blinked heavily, coming back to himself.

“You’re never…hah… going to get me to…hah… cooperate… hah…” His eyes fluttered shut despite themselves. You bit your lip. It couldn’t be helped. You were gonna have to keep riding him.

Just as Shigaraki’s breath started to even out you rose off of him, only to sink back down at full force. Shigaraki was taken out of his cool down by both the pain coming from the irritation of his bullet wounds and the pleasure of his cock being stimulated.

“Whuu? No, no it’s too sensitive!” he cried out. You said nothing, grinding down into him, fucking him like an animal.

As you continued fucking him Shigaraki trembled beneath you, whimpering in unrestrained pleasure, pulling against the leather cuffs which restricted his free reign. The noises he made were downright sinful, varieties of “ah, ah, ah”’s  and “oh fuck, fuck, fuck!”’s being commonly repeated noises.

You gazed down at his face- his eyes rolling around in his skull, frequently fluttering shut only to shoot open when you switched up the rhythm you used. His skin was flushed to hell and back- making him look obscenely cute as he whined out in pleasure, mouth open, drool dripping from the corners of his lips. As you continued looking, you had an epiphany. You loved Tomura. You loved, loved Tomura. You want him to get better and you want to see him let go like this every day.

In the moment you say it.

“I love you.”

Shigaraki flooded your pussy with more cum- gasping loudly as he rode out his orgasm. There’s no way he heard your little confession. And you were okay with that. It’d probably be better to reveal that when he’s not confined to his bed.

You pulled yourself off his cock and felt cum drip down from your thighs. You yourself haven’t cum, but you have accomplished your goal. One look at Shiggy told you that he was too blissed out to fight against your care. Your hand went to rest on his cheek.

“You’re going to be good, yeah? Let me do what I need to do?” you stroked the patch of dry skin under your fingertips.

Shiggy sleepily nodded. Looks like you wouldn’t be need the Nyquil.

Shigaraki laid still as you moved to tend to his wounds- tenderly cleaning them and re bandaging the sore holes. His joints would be sore as well. You decided to uncuff Shigaraki and maneuver his funky gloves on his hands.

When you’re done you pulled your lover’s sweatpants back up and crawl into bed behind him, For tonight you decided against changing the sheets. Instead you got comfortable in the well-used sheets, repositioning Shiggy so he could be your little spoon. You took a deep breath and smelled his hair. It was a little ew, but you didn’t mind. Just as you thought about your revelation, you heard a soft sigh.  

You smiled and cuddled closer, whispering those three words.

“I love you.”

And though you couldn’t see it, Tomura Shigaraki’s eyes widened from their slitted state for just a moment before a soft yet excited smile graced his features.  Slowly, his eyes slid shut again as he relaxed into your arms.

[chthonic-cassandra]

Recent books, fiction -

- Lana Popovic, Blood Countess - weirdly, this is the second YA book I have read about Erzebet (here called Elizabeth) Báthory. This one is about a village girl named Anna who works as Báthory's chambermaid and becomes enamored with her, even as the evidence of her abuse of other women in Anna's position becomes impossible to avoid. While this book could have used some reworking around pacing in particular, I appreciated it, and especially its focus on complicity dynamics, the way Anna gets drawn into participating in Báthory's atrocities both out of fear for her own safety and out of a (largely misguided) hope that through her participation she can mitigate the harm the other women experience. This isn't a dynamic that I see explored very often in fiction, and I was glad to see it given space here.

(Elements of the way that the dynamic between Anna and Báthory is drawn reminded me of S. T. Gibson's interpretation of the Dracula/vampire bride relationship in Dowry of Blood - specifically, the representation of an abusive relationship involving elements of coercive control, but in which the perpetrator is never directly physically violent towards the victim until one moment when they hit them in a moment of emotional tension and the illusion of the relationship is punctured. This is very much a real way that abusive relationships can play out and I appreciate the function of the dynamic in both novels, but it's interesting for me to note that it's a narrative arc I do not connect to and find in many ways personally alienating, even as I connect to other elements of both books quite intensely. But that's another conversation.)

- Rabih Alameddine, The Wrong End of the Telescope - Mina, a trans Lebanese doctor, travels to Lesbos to offer medical care to recently arrived refugees and in the process reflects on her own immigration and coming out journeys. I enjoyed Mina's first person narration, which is engaged but somewhat breezy, even when she's dealing with painful topics, and enjoyed the structurally intriguing second person address (Mina is addressing Alameddine himself). It is a very humane book, but also one which speaks from a certain level of detachment. It's very interested in a smart way in the kinds of narratives that refugees and other immigrants are forced to tell about themselves, what that means. I am still pondering it.

- Dima Wannous, The Frightened Ones (trans. Elisabeth Jaquette) - a depressed and anxious Syrian woman meets a somewhat differently depressed and anxious man in her therapist's waiting room in Damascus, and they begin a weird relationship. I don't think this book works; the perspectives of the two main characters felt impossible to meaningfully enter into, and the books relies on the device of an internal manuscript which is almost unreadable and doesn't make much logical sense. Not recommended.

- Claire Fuller, Bitter Orange - an intensely lonely woman takes a job living in and categorizing the architectural features of an old house, and becomes entangled in the lives of a neurotic couple also staying there, with disastrous results. I also didn't like this; it's too edgy, too much trying to be shocking in a way that is making a pretense of being psychologizing without anything actually interesting to say about the inner lives of its characters. It's part of a lineage of novels which I think coming out of Turn of the Screw and The Haunting of Hill House, with outwardly unlikeable female protagonists (often pov characters) who get involved in pseudo-gothic scenarios in which we, as the readers, as supposed be challenged in our assumptions about how much culpability to apportion them. However, few writers can do what James and Jackson can; these novels often don't work. This one didn't.

- Laini Taylor, Strange the Dreamer - YA fantasy about a librarian on a quest to find a magical city. This was tonally very strange, and there were elements of it that I enjoyed and others that I thought really didn't land - it begins with an intensely quaint tone, reading very young YA, almost middle grade, but then introduces a number of much darker plot elements, even while the quaintness of the details continues. It seems to be trying to do something in tone and content close to Kristin Cashore, but isn't as well-balanced. I was interested enough that I will read the sequel, and am hopeful that it will work better.

- Marcial Gala, Call Me Cassandra (trans. Anna Kushner) - lyrical and heartbreaking novel about Raul, an amab child growing up in revoluntionary Cuba who is the reincarnation of Cassandra. I found this very moving in ways that I don't know quite how to put into words right now. I liked it very much, and would recommend it.

- Clive Barker, The Damnation Game - an incarcerated man let out on parole to work as a bodyguard for a wealthy man quickly learns that he has unwittingly been drawn into a dark world of Faustian bargains which have now come due. This was a solid and entertaining horror novel, with some strong set pieces and weird gender stuff (though the gender stuff is not as objectionable as anything in Stephen King). It is elevated by some truly haunting nonconsensual telepathy content, which always gets to me.

- Dean Atta, The Black Flamingo - sweet YA novel in verse about a mixed race queer boy growing up in the UK who finds ways to express himself and feel accepted. The verse format here was not my favorite, but the book as a whole was so charming that I don't mind it so much here.

- Tanaz Bhathena, Hunted by the Sky - YA fantasy about a young woman using her magic to take revenge on the king for her parents' deaths. In many ways this felt like very standard YA of the moment, with all its attendant cliches (though I appreciated how here at least it's the people without magic who experience discrimination in the society; it's weird that in so many of these novels it's always the reverse), but it's elevated by a well-textured world and lead characters who are appealing and sympathetic while also having believable flaws. I appreciated the nuanced treatment of sexual violence in the backgrounds of the secondary characters.